The Top 10 Things We're Glad the Recession Killed

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10. The Five Dollar Cup of Coffee

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It doesn't take an economics degree to see that the overpriced coffee craze was getting out of control. When the fake money ran out, so did people's desire to fork over more money for a cup of java than a gallon of gasoline, as indicated by the situation Starbucks finds itself in as of late. 

9. Junk Mail

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Advertisers like to refer to junk mail as "direct mail" but we know better, because this crap is completely useless on the vast, vast majority of the populace. So when money gets tight, advertisers cut back on their direct mailing to save money. Hey ad guys, here's a pro⁷ tip: Stop sending useless crap to people who don't want it to achieve maximum savings⁸!

8. Celebutaunt Culture

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Back in the carefree days of the early 21st century when tons of credit was readily available, living beyond our means was hip⁹, and being slutty was not only acceptable, but embraced, with "celebutaunts" like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie heralded¹⁰ as the pinnacle¹¹ of pop culture. Thankfully, the dose of economic reality handed to us recently proved once and for all that your dog does not need its own jewelry¹². 

7. Useless Junk Stores

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Another by-product¹³ of a society with too much money on its hands is the "Useless Gadget/WTF is This??" store. Places whose entire purpose is to sell you things you never knew you needed.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, when the extra money dried up, people came to the realization¹⁴ that they didn't actually need an iPod dock in their shower, and places like the Sharper Image took a nosedive. 

6. Cribs-style TV Shows

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Can't say I'll miss these types of programs, either. These shows were the apex¹⁵ of the worst aspects of "bling" pop culture -- a trend founded on an obsession¹⁶ for consumerism and vanity. The purpose of each episode was to show the viewer how much better famous people lived than mere¹⁷ commoners.

These shows seemed to have been designed to create a sense of jealously and want in those viewers so they'd go out and spend more money on things they didn't need so they could pretend they were also famous rap stars. Guess it's tough to get people excited about glamour¹⁸ when their house is getting foreclosed on. Funny thing is, all that expensive crap we saw wasn't even theirs.

5. Hummers

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More than any other large SUV on the market, Hummer took a real hit from the economic turmoil¹⁹ of the last few years--so much so that GM has been desperately²⁰ trying to sell off the brand, but even that is proving difficult.

The "go green" trend that's been sweeping²¹ the nation lately also isn't doing those gussied-up Chevy Suburbans any favors either, so it looks like Hummer just might be headed straight to the junkyard very soon.

4. Crazy Gas Prices

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Was it only a year ago that a gallon of regular gas cost upwards²² of four-and-a-half bucks⁶ a gallon in California? A lot can happen in a year. Like the near-total collapse²³ of the global economic infrastructure²⁴! As much as oil companies like to say that demand dictates²⁵ the price and that the speculators in the stock market were also to blame, we all know that was almost entirely²⁶ B.S.

When people ran out of money they could spend on overpriced gas and oil company executives watched their profits go from record-breaking to practically nothing overnight, gas prices were magically sliced in half. Did everyone you know stop driving their cars or even reduce to half as much as they did last summer? Didn't think so.

3. Ridiculous Housing Costs

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When a fifty-year-old, three-bedroom shack²⁷ located in a bad neighborhood in Los Angeles is valued at over $1,000,000, something is obviously really friggin' wrong. And when mortgage prices go up, so does the price to rent those properties.

So now that pretty much all real estate across the country has lost nearly a third of its value over the last two years, some of us can go back to fantasizing about someday actually owning a home.

2. Bling

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I'll put it simply: Bling makes me angry. It is the epitome²⁸ of the "OMG I have too much money and I must buy shiny things" mentality²⁹. A culture of excess that champions the largest amount of misuse³⁰. A trend founded on wasting money on things which literally³¹ serve no purpose whatsoever³². Bling, I am glad to see you go. Your spinners are stupid, your jewelry is gaudy³³, and your precious metal teeth make you look like a loser.

1. The Perception of Total Unaccountability

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Before the financial apocalypse, CEOs were faceless entities³⁴ in ivory towers who we never heard from unless they were barking orders to us from megaphones. If things went wrong, the buck⁵ got passed and passed until nobody knew where the buck was or what it represented anymore.

While we're still a long way from full corporate³⁵ accountability, it's nice to see at least a few major players had their feet held to the fire. If nothing else, it serves as a warning to the rest of the racquetball club that the next person on the hit list might be them, so it might be time to go back and work on that fatally flawed business plan, rather than expecting the taxpayers³⁶ to foot the bill.

One can hope, anyway.

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