【断背山】06

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 A few handfuls of hailrattled against the window followed by rain and slippery wind banging theunsecured door of the next room then and through the night.The room stank¹ of semen and smoke and sweat and whiskey, of old carpetand sour hay, saddle leather, shit and cheap soap. Ennis lay spread-eagled,spent and wet, breathing deep, still half tumescent, Jack² blowing forcefulcigarette clouds like whale spouts³, and Jack said, 

     “Christ, it got a be all thattime a yours ahorseback makes it so goddamn good. We got to talk about this.Swear to god I didn’t know we was goin a get into this again -- yeah, I did.Why I’m here. I fuckin knew it. Redlined all the way, couldn’t get here fastenough.” 

     “I didn’t know where in the hell you was,” said Ennis. 

     “Four years. I aboutgive up on you. I figured you was sore about that punch.”              “Friend,” said Jack, 

     “I was in Texas rodeoin. How I met Lureen. Look over onthat chair.”On the back of the soiled orange chair he saw the shine of a buckle⁴.“Bullridin?” 

     “Yeah. I made three fuckin thousand dollars that year. Fuckin starved. Had toborrow everthing but a toothbrush from other guys. Drove grooves⁵ acrossTexas. Half the time under that cunt truck fixin it. Anyway, I didn’t neverthink about losin. Lureen? There’s some serious money there. Her old man’sgot it. Got this farm machinery⁶ business. Course he don’t let her have none athe money, and he hates my fuckin guts⁷, so it’s a hard go now but one a thesedays -- “ 

     “Well, you’re goin a go where you look. Army didn’t get you?” The thundersounded far to the east, moving from them in its red wreaths of light. 

     “They can’t get no use out a me. Got some crushed vertebrates. And a stressfracture, the arm bone here, you know how bullridin you’re always leverin itoff your thigh⁸? -- she gives a little ever time you do it. Even if you tape it goodyou break it a little goddamn bit at a time. Tell you what, hurts like a bitchafterwards. Had a busted⁹ leg. Busted in three places. Come off the bull and itwas a big bull with a lot a drop, he got rid a me in about three flat and hecome after me and he was sure faster. Lucky enough. Friend a mine got his oilchecked with a horn dipstick and that was all she wrote. Bunch a otherthings, fuckin busted ribs¹⁰, sprains¹¹ and pains, torn ligaments. See, it ain’t likeit was in my daddy’s time. It’s guys with money go to college, trainedathaletes. You got a have some money to rodeo now. Lureen’s old manwouldn’t give me a dime¹² if I dropped it, except one way. And I know enoughabout the game now so I see that I ain’t never goin a be on the bubble. Otherreasons. I’m gettin out while I still can walk.”Ennis pulled Jack’s hand to his mouth, took a hit from the cigarette, exhaled¹³. 

     “Sure as hell seem in one piece to me. You know, I was sittin up here all thattime tryin to figure out if I was -- ? I know I ain’t. I mean here we both gotwives and kids, right? I like doin it with women, yeah, but Jesus H., ain’tnothin like this. I never had no thoughts a doin it with another guy except Isure wrang it out a hunderd times thinkin about you. You do it with otherguys? Jack?” 

     “Shit no,” said Jack, who had been riding more than bulls, not rolling hisown. 

     “You know that. Old Brokeback got us good and it sure ain’t over. Wegot a work out what the fuck we’re goin a do now.” 

     “That summer,” said Ennis. 

     “When we split up after we got paid out I hadgut cramps¹⁴ so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate somethin badat that place in Dubois. Took me about a year a figure out it was that Ishouldn’t a let you out a my sights. Too late then by a long, long while.” 

     “Friend,” said Jack. 

     “We got us a fuckin situation here. Got a figure out whatto do.” 

     “I doubt there’s nothin now we can do,” said Ennis. 

     “What I’m sayin, Jack, Ibuilt a life up in them years. Love my little girls. Alma? It ain’t her fault. Yougot your baby and wife, that place in Texas. You and me can’t hardly bedecent together if what happened back there” -- he jerked his head in thedirection of the apartment -- 

     “grabs on us like that. We do that in the wrongplace we’ll be dead. There’s no reins¹⁵ on this one. It scares the piss out a me.” 

     “Got to tell you, friend, maybe somebody seen us that summer. I was backthere the next June, thinkin about goin back -- I didn’t, lit out for Texas instead-- and Joe Aguirre’s in the office and he says to me, he says, ‘You boys found away to make the time pass up there, didn’t you,’ and I give him a look butwhen I went out I seen he had a big-ass pair a binoculars¹⁶ hangin off hisrearview.” He neglected to add that the foreman had leaned back in hissqueaky wooden tilt chair, said, 

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