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Good advice for love's losers

The break-up of a relationship can mean sleepless¹ nights, problems concentrating, loss of appetite, even depression .Every person reacts to the crisis differently. "One can't expect to function normally in the first phase of a separation," says German psychotherapist Doris Wolf, author of a book on how to deal with a break-up." Even if you are someone who has kept your feelings under control you can experience emotions as never before ," says Wolf ,pointing out that men and women generally react differently .Men tend to suppress their pain by working, or with a new relationship ,or alcohol. Women, on the other hand ,sometimes suffer from depression, fear of the future, or guilt² feelings. In contrast to men, women, however, often have a good friend who will listen, give comfort or advice. That, says Wolf, is important, because anger, sadness and frustration³ need to be expressed.

Psychologist Dorothea Boehm, from Munich, Germany, advises people to avoid idealizing the ex-partner." Avoid displaying pictures of yourself and the ex, or of a favorite restaurant you visited together ,or of music that you both enjoyed." she says .Even if you both plan to" stay good friends", it normally doesn't last .That's because one partner might always nurture⁴ the hope of restarting the relationship. Boehm says this could stop new experiences, and disappointment will be the outcome .A much more meaningful approach would be to keep a diary with a section on negative things," Writing things down helps put a distance between you and the experience and that is important." says psychologist Gina Kaestele, who holds seminars (研讨会) on getting through the break-up of a relationship. Creating a separation ceremony could also be important, Kaestele says. She adds, however, that each person should find her or his own method. One person might write a letter that is never sent while another might prefer a drawing or mental exercise as a sort of ritual. One way to deal with extreme anger could be to do unusual things like throwing an egg into the bathtub, Kaestele says. Even cleaning up the egg mess afterwards could be helpful because a separation affects both the soul and the body, which is under extreme tension, Wolf explains. This is only reduced by exercise and cleaning is exercise. And nutrition is extremely important during the phase.