【荆棘鸟】第六章 20

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There was no way she could come to terms with death; she lay night after night in a confused terror, trying to imagine if death was perpetual night, or an abyss of flames she had to jump over to reach the golden fields on the far side, or a sphere like the inside of a gigantic balloon full of soaring choirs¹ and light attenuated² through limitless stained-glass windows. She grew very quiet, but in a manner quite different from Stuart's peaceful, dreamy isolation³; hers was the petrified⁴ freezing of an animal caught in the serpent's basilisk stare. If she was spoken to suddenly she jumped, if the little ones cried for her she fussed over them in an agony of expiation⁵ for her neglect. And whenever she had a rare moment to herself she ran away, down to the cemetery⁶ and Hal, who was the only dead person she knew.

Everyone noticed the change in her, but accepted it as Meggie growing up without once asking themselves what growing up for Meggie entailed⁷; she hid her distress⁸ too well. The old lessons had been well learned; her self-control was phenomenal and her pride formidable. No one must ever know what went on inside her, the facade⁹ must continue flawless to the end; from Fee to Frank to Stuart the examples were there, and she was of the same blood, it was a part of her nature and her heritage. But as Father Ralph paid his frequent visits to Drogheda and the change in Meggie deepened from a pretty feminine metamorphosis to a quenching¹⁰ of all her vitality¹¹, his concern for her mushroomed into worry, and then into fear. A physical and spiritual wasting away was taking place beneath his very eyes; she was slipping away from them, and he couldn't bear to see her become another Fee. The small pointed¹² face was all eyes staring at some dreadful prospect¹³, the milky¹⁴ opaque¹⁵ skin which never tanned or freckled¹⁶ was growing more translucent¹⁷. If the process went on, he thought, she would one day disappear into her own eyes like a snake swallowing its tail, until she drifted through the universe as an almost invisible shaft¹⁸ of glassy grey light, seen only from the corner of the vision where shadows lurk¹⁹ and black things crawl down a white wall.

Well, he would find out if he had to wring²⁰ it from her forcibly. Mary Carson was at her most demanding these days, jealous of every moment he spent down at the head stockman's house; only the infinite patience of a subtle, devious²¹ man kept his rebellion against her possessiveness hidden from her. Even his alien preoccupation with Meggie 

 

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