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美国国家公共电台 NPR Alan Alda Wants Us To Have Better Conversations

时间:2018-01-29 01:47:18

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SHANKAR VEDANTAM, HOST:

We've all experienced miscommunications. They can range from hilarious1 to disastrous2. The actor Alan Alda - yes, that Alan Alda from "M*A*S*H" and "The West Wing" and "30 Rock" - wants to help us all communicate better.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

ALAN ALDA: And I've noticed that the more empathy I have, the less annoying other people are.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: Now, fighting miscommunication might seem like an ironic3 choice for an actor whose comedy career has been built on all the funny consequences of people misunderstanding one another. But more recently, Alan has shifted his focus toward helping4 scientists and the rest of us say what we mean, mean what we say and listen better to one another. I taped a conversation with Alan at a live event in Washington, D.C., about his new book "If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look On My Face?"

Alan Alda, welcome to HIDDEN BRAIN.

ALDA: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

VEDANTAM: I want to start by asking you about an episode in your life some years ago. You were sitting in a dentist's chair, and the dentist had a very sharp instrument a couple of inches from your mouth. What happened next?

ALDA: He stuck it in and carved my gums. But before he did that, he felt it was important to check off on his list something that he had to say to me before he did this operation. The procedure was one he had invented. And he was kind of proud of it because he was taking out a front tooth that was kind of dead. And that would leave a socket5. So he had invented this method where he would draw down some of the gum over the socket to give a blood supply while it healed, which was a nice idea - except he felt he had to explain to me what he was going to do. And he wasn't real clear about it. And he had the scalpel really inches from my face.

And he said now, there will be some tethering. And I said there'll be what? He said tethering. I said, tethering? - tethering, tethering. He started barking at me. And I was over the age of 50. And I should've had the nerve to say put that knife down and tell me what you're going to do to me. And I didn't do that. I was sort of - I think I was in awe6 of his surgical7 gown. And he seemed to know what he was doing. And so I let him go ahead and do it without knowing what he was talking about. By the way, to this day, I don't know what tethering meant in that situation.

But he did the procedure. And I was making a movie a couple of weeks later, and I had a smile in the scene. So I gave this big, hearty8 smile. And after the shot was over, the director of photography said, I thought you were going to smile. I said, I did. I smiled. And he said, no, you were sneering9.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: I said, no, I wasn't. I was - he said go look in the mirror. And I looked in the mirror, and I smiled. And I was sneering. So he had done something. He'd cut off that little tissue between your upper lip and your gum. And my lip just sort of hung there. But the only good thing about that was that I was able to play a whole range of villains10 really well.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: But I - you know, what's interesting is it was another example, in that situation, of not great communicating because I called him and told him that - what had happened and that I was disappointed. And I - and he started getting very defensive11 - never said I'm sorry that you felt mutilated.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: Right.

ALDA: And in fact, he said, I told you there were two steps to the procedure. I don't really remember if I went back for another step. I was afraid to let him in again. But then he sent me a letter telling me why he wasn't responsible for anything. And he was - it was a defensive letter that set him up for his defense12 in case I sued him.

VEDANTAM: Yeah.

ALDA: And I had no intention of suing him. I just wanted him to know that one of his customers wasn't happy.

VEDANTAM: You know, I was driving over in an Uber on my way here, Alan, and I must have found the most aggressive Uber driver in Washington.

ALDA: What did he do?

VEDANTAM: Driving in Washington, D.C., at about 5:45 in the evening is one of the worst experiences on the planet. But this Uber driver was really aggressive and cutting people off and, you know, driving really recklessly. And I kept thinking, what would Alan Alda tell me? What should I say? And I felt it was not my place to be telling her how to drive. At the same time, I felt like my life was in danger, and I felt I was wrong in keeping quiet. And then we were on 15th Street about a block away, and she made this turn at somewhat high speed, and she missed a bicycle by maybe a couple of inches. And it made me think about your story about the tethering, which is we keep silent in all kinds of situations.

ALDA: Yes, that's true. And it really is a good idea to get alert to what you're feeling and give voice to it. And I think if you give voice to it with what the other person is hearing in mind, it doesn't have to be aggressive. You don't have to say don't drive badly like that. You could, you know, put it in your terms. It's - you're making me crazy.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: In 1993, you began hosting this show for PBS where you interviewed various scientists. "Scientific American Frontiers" it was called. And in one of your earliest stories - this might even have been your first story - you interviewed a scientist who was building a solar-powered racing13 car. And right out of the box, you made three communication blunders.

ALDA: I know. It was my first interview. And I had talked my way into the show. They said, we want you to host this show. And I thought, oh, they just want me to read a narration14. But I want to talk to the scientists on camera, so I can learn about their work. And I had done a little interviewing, taking over as a guest host once in a while. But I hadn't interviewed scientists before. So they took a real chance on me when they said they'd do it. And there was this scientist with his solar panel, and I just hesitated for a moment before I went in. And the producer said go ahead. Go in there. This is what you want, right? So I went in. And I - you're right - I made three blunders right off the bat. First of all, I told him something that wasn't true about his own work.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: I said this is amazing how you've built this solar panel using entirely15 parts off the shelf. I don't know what made me think that it was done that way. And he - I saw this pained look on his face. And he said it wasn't off the shelf. Some of these were made with great care. So I felt a little abashed16 at that, and I wanted to make up for it. So I wanted to show how familiar and tenderly I felt toward his work. And I rested my hand on his solar panel. He said don't touch that. You could break it.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: And then I realized I was making the third blunder about halfway17 through. I wasn't asking him questions based on what he had just said to me. I was asking him questions based on what I had intended earlier to ask him. So I was almost in danger of getting into that situation where the interviewer says how's everything going? And you say, my grandmother just died, and the interviewer says great, now tell me about your last movie.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: You know, you've got to respond to where the person really is. And they were good blunders to make because I could see right away that I needed to relate better to the people I was going to be talking with.

VEDANTAM: So it turns out, Alan, you haven't just made blunders talking to scientists. You have made blunders talking to your own relatives.

ALDA: I'm making a blunder right now talking to you.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: You tell the story in your book about being on a vacation with your 6-year-old grandson in the Virgin18 Islands. And he spotted19 this very unusual-looking tree, and he asked you how it came to be that way.

ALDA: That's right because we had never seen these trees and bushes and plants that we were seeing on this walk because the Virgin Islands is such a paradise, and it has so many different kinds of vegetation. So we saw this tree that had a long, skinny trunk with spikes20 all up and down it. It looked like a dragon's back. And Tejo (ph) said, Grandpa, look at that tree. How did it get like that? And I thought, oh, this is great. And he's asking me about evolution. We could have a talk about evolution. He was only 6 years old, but he's asking me this question that I can - we can really have this great conversation. So we sat on the ground, and we talked about evolution for 45 minutes. It was glorious - natural selection, the whole thing. And the next day, he was swimming with his cousin, and he asked her a question. And she said, well, that sounds like a science question. Why don't you ask Grandpa? He said, I'm not making that mistake again.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: I'm a font of blunders.

VEDANTAM: I'm talking with Alan Alda about the high costs of miscommunication and what we can do to become better communicators. When we come back, we're going to look at some scenes from Alan's acting21 career that illustrate22 important ideas related to communication. Stay with us.

(APPLAUSE, SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: I want to play you some clips from your acting career that I think reveal some interesting questions and themes related to communication. This first one comes from "M*A*S*H," where you played a character named Hawkeye Pierce. And I want to play the clip and then ask you a question.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "M*A*S*H")

MCLEAN STEVENSON: (As Lt. Col. Henry Blake) And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.

(SOUNDBITE OF WIRE CUTTING)

STEVENSON: (As Lt. Col. Henry Blake) But first, remove the fuse.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: You've spent much of your career, Alan, working in scenes which involve comedic timing23. And I want to talk a little bit about the idea of timing in communication. Have the skills that you learned as an actor, your timing skills, helped you in your actual life? Has it helped you in your relationships, in terms of what you say, knowing what the right time is to bring something up?

ALDA: Everything I learned as an actor, it turns out has been important to me in this phase of my life when I'm trying to help people communicate better and when I'm trying to learn myself how to communicate better. Timing, for me, goes like this - there are many people who think timing is waiting before you get to the punchline24. And some people actually think that you're supposed to count to three silently before you do the punchline or or some other number.

For me, timing has always meant a thought process that you're going through. And at the end of that thought, that's when the punchline comes out. Either you're trying to figure something out. Or something - there's some internal conflict, and something arises from the unconscious. And that's when you say what it is. It's a - it's not a simple thing. It's not - timing is not waiting. Timing is actually going through something. And what you go through is different from time to time.

But that's kind of technical. And that's a - it's part - it's based on the idea that - for me anyway, the best kind of acting is going through an experience that's very similar to real life. And the time it takes to say something is dependent upon the circumstance you're in and your response to it.

VEDANTAM: So when you say you go through this thought process, as you're telling a joke for example, are you trying to think through how the audience is hearing the joke? What's the thought process?

ALDA: If you're talking directly to an audience, then you're really aware of what they're going through moment by moment, and you're aware of their thought process to a great extent. If you're acting with another actor, the thought process is the interaction between you and the other actor. You don't spray your dialogue at the other person. It's really important this idea that I don't say my next line in the play because it's written in the script, and I've memorized it. I say it because you do something - you, the other actor, do something, or you say something that makes me say this next line and makes me say it in a certain way.

VEDANTAM: You know, you've spent some time as a science journalist, Alan. And I actually have spent some time, very briefly25, as an actor before I realized that this was not cut out for me at all.

ALDA: No kidding.

VEDANTAM: Yeah, but one of the things...

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: Comedic timing, ladies and gentlemen.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: But one of the things I was always surprised by is when directors said, you really have to listen to what the other person is saying. And it always struck me as odd because this is a script. Everyone's saying their lines. You know what you're going to say. Why do you...

ALDA: I think this explains your exit from that career.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: But that's the heart of it. That's really the heart of my book. The idea that you must listen to the other actor is so fundamental to me that that's in a way the essence of it. You can't have spontaneity. It's not going to look like life happening between us if I'm not listening to you and responding to you.

VEDANTAM: This next clip I want to play for you, Alan, actually I think speaks to what you were just talking about because it talks a little bit about how people listen to one another. And this comes from "30 Rock." You're speaking in this scene with Alec Baldwin, and I'll let the clip do the talking.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "30 ROCK")

ALEC BALDWIN: (As Jack26 Donaghy) Do you remember a woman named Colleen Donaghy?

ALDA: (As Professor Milton Greene) Sure, that takes me back a few years.

BALDWIN: (As Jack Donaghy) 1958?

ALDA: (As Professor Milton Greene) Yeah, right. She rented me a room when I was a graduate student. One month, I couldn't pay, so she said maybe there was something else I could give her. So I gave her my radio. And then a couple of weeks later, we got drunk and had sex.

BALDWIN: (As Jack Donaghy) Oh, OK. I'm Jack Donaghy, Colleen's son. I was born around 9 months after that.

ALDA: (As Professor Milton Greene) Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Is this contest some "Mamma Mia" thing?

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BALDWIN: (As Jack Donaghy) Milton, I'm your son.

ALDA: (As Professor Milton Greene) Of course, you are. I should have known the minute I saw you. I have a son - a beautiful son.

BALDWIN: (As Jack Donaghy) And have a dad.

ALDA: (As Professor Milton Greene) Fate has brought us together, Jack, to open a whole new chapter in my life.

BALDWIN: (As Jack Donaghy) Yeah, isn't it amazing?

ALDA: (As Professor Milton Greene) You don't know the half of it. I need a kidney.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: So I love that scene. But I also love it not just because it's funny because I think it illustrates27 an idea that researchers have talked about for a while - this idea called switch tracking, which is that when you're having a conversation with people sometimes both people can think they're having a conversation, but they're actually having two different conversations.

ALDA: Yeah, and I agree. That's what's happening in this scene. Alec Baldwin's character thinks he's found his father, and that it means something to both of them as it does to him. And he just realized his father just wants a kidney. So he's glad to find his son. But that - you're right. That happens in less comedic ways. And sometimes in tragic28 ways, in real life where we think we're on the same track, and we're really not. If you're really on two different tracks, you'll actually see in the other person's face that things aren't really jiving here. There are points where contact is missing, and they'll start to look confused or upset at certain points because, you know, you'll be answering the wrong questions.

VEDANTAM: Right, or not reading the subtext of the questions, or the question is not actually what it seems to be - it's actually something else.

ALDA: Right, which is probably the most common way you're on two different tracks - you're not noticing the subtext.

VEDANTAM: Right. I want to play you a third clip. This one comes from...

ALDA: "Kingdom Coming," I love watching this one.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: This one comes from "The West Wing," and the setup here is that two presidential candidates are about to walk on stage for a debate.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "THE WEST WING")

JIMMY SMITS: (As Matt Santos) Next time you decide to smear29 me, maybe you'll have the guts30 to do it yourself.

ALDA: (As Arnold Vinick) I had nothing to do with that ad. You blew up the debates. It's clear what kind of a campaign you want.

SMITS: (As Matt Santos) Oh, I forgot how eager you were for debates.

ALDA: (As Arnold Vinick) Next time you send left-wing lobbyists to my office, don't forget the gift card.

SMITS: (As Matt Santos) You want an ugly campaign. You're going to get one.

ALDA: (As Arnold Vinick) I didn't start this.

SMITS: (As Matt Santos) No, your hatchet31 man did it for you.

ALDA: (As Arnold Vinick) You're hitting me on partial-birth tonight, aren't you?

SMITS: (As Matt Santos) Here we are - presidential campaign, grand national debate, pounding each other on one of the few things we basically agree on.

VEDANTAM: I want to ask you about the present political moment, Alan - not so much about what's happening specifically with, you know, people in Washington or what's happening in the news - but really about the moment that we're living in where it feels like there is so much anger and vitriol on both sides of the aisle32. And I'm wondering whether some of it actually has to do with what's happening here, which is, you know, a lot of Americans might actually not have significant differences of opinion.

I mean, we might disagree with things. You might think 5 percent of the budget needs to be for education, and I think it's 8 percent of the budget. But we're not actually chasms33 apart in terms of our views. But the partisan34 rancor35 that we have makes us feel as if we actually are, you know, poles apart. And I'm wondering is this a communication question. Is part of the anger that we feel to one another in the country driven by a kind of miscommunication in some ways, where we're not reading each other correctly, and we're seeing the worst in each other?

ALDA: I think you're probably right. And what interests me about your choosing this clip and playing it right after the previous clip is this is almost a mirror image of the other clip where they're having two different conversations. They mean two different things by the same conversation. And these two people have the opposite problem. They basically are in agreement and have to fight nevertheless and are preparing to fight. They're ready to go out and tear each other to the pieces. And partly, I think, because they belong to two different tribes. And those tribes have been feuding36 for a long time, and there isn't much incentive37 - although there used to be - or it seems there was more incentive to find out the common ground, which could solve a lot of these problems.

It's so interesting. I talk about in the book some extreme examples of people at each other's throats, like the trench38 warfare39 in World War I when on Christmas Eve they realized they had common ground when they heard each other singing Christmas carols across no man's land. And the next morning on Christmas day, they got up out of their trenches40 and met in no man's land - shook hands. Some of them played soccer. They got to know one another. And then the officers came and said there's supposed to be a war happening here. And they went back in the trenches and tried to kill each other again. But for that moment, they had the common ground.

VEDANTAM: You know, I'm thinking about the days right after the 9/11 attacks in the United States where it felt for a week or two that there was an enormous sense of unity41. And again, it was sort of - it sort of - I guess it's not quite the same thing. But it's the idea that there's something - the frame shifts sometimes. And you stop seeing yourself as Republicans and Democrats42, but you start seeing yourself as part of a larger group.

ALDA: That's the way it's supposed to be. They're supposed to be Republicans and Democrats in order to function well as part of the larger group which is called the United States of America. And that's sometimes secondary to hating your party. It's an unfortunate thing because in the long run it's very costly43.

VEDANTAM: Yeah, yeah. I'm talking with Alan Alda before a live audience in Washington D.C. When we come back, I'm going to ask Alan about some techniques that actors learn that can help us all become better communicators. Stay with us.

(APPLAUSE)

VEDANTAM: I want to talk about another situation involving a doctor. This one involved a doctor, I believe, in Chile where you needed medical attention. And this doctor treated you very differently than the dentist treated you in the other situation.

ALDA: That's true. It was the best example of communication I had ever heard. I had - my problem was that I had an intestine44 that had twisted - got caught in something and had choked off the blood supply. And about a yard of my intestine was dying. And in the middle of the night, I was taken to a hospital. And he recognized almost immediately what was wrong with me. And he didn't use fancy language. He explained to me in the simplest, most - the plainest language. Here's what's happened, he said. Some of your intestine has gone bad, and we have to cut out the bad part and sew the two good ends together. You can't get simpler than that.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: And that was absolutely accurate. There wasn't anything about that, as clear as it was, that wasn't true. And by the way, he wasn't just speaking clearly. I remember so vividly45 the - he's leaning down, looking into my eyes, watching my face to see if I understood him. That was the essence of good communication. He was watching me to see if I was getting it. Did I understand him? Or did I have that funny look on my face? And, yeah, the answer to your original notion is things I've learned as an actor have made me understand the importance of how that doctor, Nelson Zepeda, in Chile, in the middle of the night 13 or 14 years ago, how he made a real effort to communicate with me. And it made all the difference for me.

VEDANTAM: I understand the technical term for this procedure is an end-to-end anastomosis if I'm saying that correctly. And I can just imagine if the doctor had said, I'm going to perform an end-to-end anastomosis, Mr. Alda, how that would have made you feel.

ALDA: Well, I would have felt the way I did with the dentist.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: I want to ask you about another thing you mention in the book. You cite Don Hewitt, who was the creator of the television show "60 Minutes." And you say that Don had a simple four-word question he would ask when people pitched stories for the show that in some ways was the essence of the success of the show.

ALDA: Yes, he loved that story. And I know he loved it because I knew Don for about 30 years, and he told me that story three times a year.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: And the story was that when somebody would come into his office - a producer - and say, I've got a great idea for a segment on the show, they'd start to tell about some infraction46 of the banking47 regulations or something like that. And he'd hold up his hand and say wait a minute - four words. Tell me a story. And he felt that that was what made the show so successful all those years. It was number one for a couple of decades at least. And I think he was right about it being due to - part of the success of the show. And I think it's because we all tell stories to one another. We listen better to a story. We get involved when we hear a story. And his stories would always have a middle part where the fortunes shifted. And you thought to yourself, this isn't what I thought this was going to be about. This is a deeper question, or this - look at the turn this took. Now this is affecting me in a different way. The importance of the middle, I think, is so huge.

VEDANTAM: You know, I was interviewing a researcher at Columbia University. Her name is Xiaodong Lin, and she's done a lot of work looking at trying to get children interested in science. And she finds something really fascinating that speaks to exactly what you just talked about, which is the traditional way we have of teaching science is to tell people, you know, there was this great physicist48, Albert Einstein. And he was the greatest genius the world has ever known, and he came up with theories that, even today, many people struggle to understand. So that's the classic way we tell science stories.

And what she found was that instead of doing that, if you tell a story which says something along the lines of, you know, there was a time when Einstein was working on a problem, and he got so stuck that he couldn't figure out the math. And he needed help to figure out the math, and he reached out to somebody else, saying, I can't figure out the math to this. Can you please help me? When you tell stories that involve struggle and obstacles and failures about scientists, not only does this hold people's attention, but kids are now able to say, I could see myself being a scientist because I need help with math. I turn to somebody else to get help for math. And this idea that the obstacle, in some ways, is what makes the story the story is, I think, what you mean by the middle.

ALDA: It is. And underneath49 all of that is trying to be aware of what the listener is going through while you tell them about this because you might have the best message in the world - and a lot of people think good communication is devising a really good message that's logical, clear - you know, clear to you anyway. The question is how clear is it and how interesting is it to the person you're trying to tell it to - or is it the layer of the public you're trying to tell it to? If you can imagine what they're going through while they hear your story, then you're relating to them in the same way that I found I related to the other actor when I was on the stage.

VEDANTAM: One of the really interesting things you did was you have brought in groups of engineering students and other technical people, and you have taught them improv. You've taught them - you've put them through three hours of improv games. Why in the world would you do that?

ALDA: Because when I left the science show, I realized that the reason that the show worked was because we had a real connection between us. It wasn't an ordinary interview. I never went in with a set of questions - not after the beginning. I went in just being curious and really good and ignorant. It's good to be ignorant as long as you're curious - not so good if you're not curious. So I would be willing to reveal my ignorance to them, so they knew where I was in my understanding of their work. And then if I didn't understand what they were saying, I'd grab them by the lapels and shake them. Tell me again. What do you - so they forgot about the camera. They forgot about the lectures they had given on this. They were just trying to make me understand it. And I realized that what I was doing was relating to them, and they were relating to me in the same way two actors do when they let each other in to their field of consciousness.

So I thought the best way to train people to do that is through improvisation50 training. And I tried it out with a group of engineers. And after three hours, they were so much better talking about their work. I thought, I think we've got something here. We can make this work as the basis of training. And soon after that, we started what's now known as the Alan Alda Center for Communicating Science at Stony51 Brook52 University in New York. And we've taught - in the past eight years, we've taught almost 10,000 scientists and doctors to communicate better, starting with classes in improvisation, and then moving on to working out the content of what they're going to say. The thing is if you really relate to the other person, that has an effect on the content of what you're going to say to them. You're not going to use certain words. You're not going to use certain concepts. You're going to make sure they're with you along the way.

VEDANTAM: You have a wonderful story in your book about a moment you were trying to catch a cab. And one of the things that I didn't know about you is apparently53 in your 20s, among the many, many things you have done in your life, you were apparently a cab driver...

ALDA: Right.

VEDANTAM: ...For a brief period of your life. And in the story, you were trying to catch a cab. And the driver of the taxi basically asks you where you want to go before he lets you into the cab.

ALDA: Right because in New York at around 3:30 or 4:00 in the afternoon, the cabs are heading home. Their shift is over, and they don't want to take you unless you're going somewhere near where their garage is. So I did drive a cab. And I know that the law is if somebody wants to get in the cab, you have to let them in whether you want to take them or not. So I don't like these conversations about where are you going because I know they're not supposed to ask. They're supposed to take you. So a cab - now I had been doing all this work when this cab pulled over. And what this - what the improvising54 work does is it actually builds up your empathy. You get very good at being able to figure out what the other person is going through emotionally.

So now, this cab driver pulls over. He says, where are you going? And I start to get crazy mad. Where am I going? You've got to take me no matter where I'm going. But instead of that, I think, wait a minute. It's the day - it's the time of day when he's switching shifts. He's got to give the cab to somebody else. I understand why he's saying it. And it helped me accept it. So I told him where I was going - gave him the address. He said get in. So I thought, OK. So that felt pretty good. Then he says what's the cross street? And I started to get crazy angry again. He's supposed to know the cross street. But now I'm all empathized up, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: So I said to him wait a minute. I'm looking it up on my iPhone. I'm helping him out. He said, you know, you're a nice person. People get in this cab. They don't care about me at all. I'm really impressed with this. I said, well, thanks. He said, I've been trying to go to the bathroom for the last half hour. I said, well, then just drop me off. Don't - take me to the corner. Don't go all the way around the block. He said, no, I'm taking you right where you're going. You're a nice person. The guy - he's giving up his kidneys for me.

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: So the funny thing was the exercises that we do in improv give you a little more empathy. And here was an example that I was using it in real life, and it was helping in the communication I had with this guy. I got where I wanted to go. I felt so much better about it. And I've noticed that the more empathy I have, the less annoying other people are.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: You came up with a very interesting exercise at one point where you were trying to increase and train your own ability to empathize with others. And you came up with a system to actually sit down with friends or colleagues. What did you do?

ALDA: Well, I realized I couldn't constantly be going to improv exercises, and I noticed that my empathy would sort of wane55 after a while, you know? This is - we live stressful lives. And one scientist told me that she felt that stress - you know, the stress hormones56 in your body when they build up, they kind of damp your empathy to some extent. So I had to find a way to build it up again because I'm beginning to really like being more empathic. So I thought it has to do with relating to other people. So suppose I go through the day and people I run into - like a cashier at a diner or people that I'm friendly with - and if I spend more than a few seconds with them, while we're talking, I try to figure out what they're feeling or what they're going through - what's their perspective? Where do they stand inside their head? And I would find I'd get a little more opened up to them. And that's what happened. By the time I talked to that cab driver, I'd been practicing this so much that I actually wasn't angry with him anymore.

And I noticed that it seems to happen even if I don't name the emotion. I thought it would be important to name the emotion. And I guess that does because you can't always name the emotion. You don't really know for sure, but maybe making the effort to name it puts you in touch with them better. But I also notice if I'm just noticing the color of their eyes and taking that in - you have very nice brown eyes.

VEDANTAM: Thank you.

ALDA: I didn't notice that till now. And you know, it took me about a half an hour before I knew you had a beard...

(LAUGHTER)

ALDA: ...Which is proof to me that we all can improve on letting each other in because you can talk to someone - I know, in my experience, I'll be talking to somebody for 10 minutes, and I'll say, are you really looking at this person? And I realized there's a blob where the face ought to be. And that doesn't help connect with the other person because I think when I really see you, I think something changes on my face. I think I get a little more focused on you and a little more related. And then I see something change on your face. I think it's a dynamic interaction where you're changed by how I'm changed. And it goes on and on like that. And we have a much better chance of getting together on what we're talking about. And by our connecting, the people watching us have a greater incentive, a greater impulse to pay attention to us because when two people are relating, it's hard not to look at them.

VEDANTAM: Alan Alda's book is called "If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look On My Face?: My Adventures In The Art And Science Of Relating And Communicating." Our conversation today was taped before a live audience at the Edlavitch Jewish Community Center of Washington, D.C.

Alan Alda, thanks for joining me today on HIDDEN BRAIN.

ALDA: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

VEDANTAM: This episode was produced by Maggie Penman and Tara Boyle - themselves, excellent communicators. Our staff includes Parth Shah, Rhaina Cohen, Jenny Schmidt and Renee Klahr. Our unsung heroes this week are Shirley Serotsky, Emily Jillson and Elliott Lanes of the JCC. Shirley, Elliott and Emily helped us tape our conversation with Alan Alda. At one point while we were playing video clips from Alan's acting career, we had some technical difficulties with a projector57. It wouldn't turn off after playing the clips, so Shirley held a cardboard UPS mailer in front of that project for the next 60 minutes to ensure the audience wasn't distracted by a square box of light over the stage. If that isn't the selfless act of an unsung hero, I don't know what is.

For more HIDDEN BRAIN, follow the show on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and listen for my stories on your local public radio station. If you liked this show, please communicate it to a friend. Tell people about HIDDEN BRAIN and ask them to subscribe58 to our show. I'm Shankar Vedantam, and this is NPR.

In a few weeks, just in time for Valentine's Day, HIDDEN BRAIN is going to turn its attention to another way we communicate with one another and relate to our closest partners.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "THE PRINCESS BRIDE")

PETER COOK: (As The Impressive Clergyman) Marriage - marriage is what brings us together today.

VEDANTAM: That's right - marriage.

(SOUNDBITE OF WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS")

VEDANTAM: Whether you're coupled up or not, this episode about long-term relationships will give you new insight about your love life.

ELI FINKEL: I think if we think about what we're really asking of our marriages these days in terms of the, you know, ambition of these expectations, then we realize that if we're too tired or lazy to invest in the quality of the relationship, that, of course, we're not going to be able to make the summit attempt.

VEDANTAM: Ahead of this episode, we have a request. We're going to have a question-and-answer session on npr.org with psychologist and marriage expert Eli Finkel. What questions do you have about your own relationship? Are you going through a rough patch, dissatisfied without knowing why? Maybe you just want some advice on how to communicate better. Email us your questions at [email protected]. That's hiddenbrain - one word - @npr.org. Remember to put the word marriage in the subject line.


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1 hilarious xdhz3     
adj.充满笑声的,欢闹的;[反]depressed
参考例句:
  • The party got quite hilarious after they brought more wine.在他们又拿来更多的酒之后,派对变得更加热闹起来。
  • We stop laughing because the show was so hilarious.我们笑个不停,因为那个节目太搞笑了。
2 disastrous 2ujx0     
adj.灾难性的,造成灾害的;极坏的,很糟的
参考例句:
  • The heavy rainstorm caused a disastrous flood.暴雨成灾。
  • Her investment had disastrous consequences.She lost everything she owned.她的投资结果很惨,血本无归。
3 ironic 1atzm     
adj.讽刺的,有讽刺意味的,出乎意料的
参考例句:
  • That is a summary and ironic end.那是一个具有概括性和讽刺意味的结局。
  • People used to call me Mr Popularity at high school,but they were being ironic.人们中学时常把我称作“万人迷先生”,但他们是在挖苦我。
4 helping 2rGzDc     
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的
参考例句:
  • The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
  • By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。
5 socket jw9wm     
n.窝,穴,孔,插座,插口
参考例句:
  • He put the electric plug into the socket.他把电插头插入插座。
  • The battery charger plugs into any mains socket.这个电池充电器可以插入任何类型的电源插座。
6 awe WNqzC     
n.敬畏,惊惧;vt.使敬畏,使惊惧
参考例句:
  • The sight filled us with awe.这景色使我们大为惊叹。
  • The approaching tornado struck awe in our hearts.正在逼近的龙卷风使我们惊恐万分。
7 surgical 0hXzV3     
adj.外科的,外科医生的,手术上的
参考例句:
  • He performs the surgical operations at the Red Cross Hospital.他在红十字会医院做外科手术。
  • All surgical instruments must be sterilised before use.所有的外科手术器械在使用之前,必须消毒。
8 hearty Od1zn     
adj.热情友好的;衷心的;尽情的,纵情的
参考例句:
  • After work they made a hearty meal in the worker's canteen.工作完了,他们在工人食堂饱餐了一顿。
  • We accorded him a hearty welcome.我们给他热忱的欢迎。
9 sneering 929a634cff0de62dfd69331a8e4dcf37     
嘲笑的,轻蔑的
参考例句:
  • "What are you sneering at?" “你冷笑什么?” 来自子夜部分
  • The old sorceress slunk in with a sneering smile. 老女巫鬼鬼崇崇地走进来,冷冷一笑。
10 villains ffdac080b5dbc5c53d28520b93dbf399     
n.恶棍( villain的名词复数 );罪犯;(小说、戏剧等中的)反面人物;淘气鬼
参考例句:
  • The impression of villains was inescapable. 留下恶棍的印象是不可避免的。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Some villains robbed the widow of the savings. 有几个歹徒将寡妇的积蓄劫走了。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
11 defensive buszxy     
adj.防御的;防卫的;防守的
参考例句:
  • Their questions about the money put her on the defensive.他们问到钱的问题,使她警觉起来。
  • The Government hastily organized defensive measures against the raids.政府急忙布置了防卫措施抵御空袭。
12 defense AxbxB     
n.防御,保卫;[pl.]防务工事;辩护,答辩
参考例句:
  • The accused has the right to defense.被告人有权获得辩护。
  • The war has impacted the area with military and defense workers.战争使那个地区挤满了军队和防御工程人员。
13 racing 1ksz3w     
n.竞赛,赛马;adj.竞赛用的,赛马用的
参考例句:
  • I was watching the racing on television last night.昨晚我在电视上看赛马。
  • The two racing drivers fenced for a chance to gain the lead.两个赛车手伺机竞相领先。
14 narration tFvxS     
n.讲述,叙述;故事;记叙体
参考例句:
  • The richness of his novel comes from his narration of it.他小说的丰富多采得益于他的叙述。
  • Narration should become a basic approach to preschool education.叙事应是幼儿教育的基本途径。
15 entirely entirely     
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
  • His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。
16 abashed szJzyQ     
adj.窘迫的,尴尬的v.使羞愧,使局促,使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • He glanced at Juliet accusingly and she looked suitably abashed. 他怪罪的一瞥,朱丽叶自然显得很窘。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • The girl was abashed by the laughter of her classmates. 那小姑娘因同学的哄笑而局促不安。 来自《简明英汉词典》
17 halfway Xrvzdq     
adj.中途的,不彻底的,部分的;adv.半路地,在中途,在半途
参考例句:
  • We had got only halfway when it began to get dark.走到半路,天就黑了。
  • In study the worst danger is give up halfway.在学习上,最忌讳的是有始无终。
18 virgin phPwj     
n.处女,未婚女子;adj.未经使用的;未经开发的
参考例句:
  • Have you ever been to a virgin forest?你去过原始森林吗?
  • There are vast expanses of virgin land in the remote regions.在边远地区有大片大片未开垦的土地。
19 spotted 7FEyj     
adj.有斑点的,斑纹的,弄污了的
参考例句:
  • The milkman selected the spotted cows,from among a herd of two hundred.牛奶商从一群200头牛中选出有斑点的牛。
  • Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.山姆的商店屯积了有斑点的短袜。
20 spikes jhXzrc     
n.穗( spike的名词复数 );跑鞋;(防滑)鞋钉;尖状物v.加烈酒于( spike的第三人称单数 );偷偷地给某人的饮料加入(更多)酒精( 或药物);把尖状物钉入;打乱某人的计划
参考例句:
  • a row of iron spikes on a wall 墙头的一排尖铁
  • There is a row of spikes on top of the prison wall to prevent the prisoners escaping. 监狱墙头装有一排尖钉,以防犯人逃跑。 来自《简明英汉词典》
21 acting czRzoc     
n.演戏,行为,假装;adj.代理的,临时的,演出用的
参考例句:
  • Ignore her,she's just acting.别理她,她只是假装的。
  • During the seventies,her acting career was in eclipse.在七十年代,她的表演生涯黯然失色。
22 illustrate IaRxw     
v.举例说明,阐明;图解,加插图
参考例句:
  • The company's bank statements illustrate its success.这家公司的银行报表说明了它的成功。
  • This diagram will illustrate what I mean.这个图表可说明我的意思。
23 timing rgUzGC     
n.时间安排,时间选择
参考例句:
  • The timing of the meeting is not convenient.会议的时间安排不合适。
  • The timing of our statement is very opportune.我们发表声明选择的时机很恰当。
24 punchline punchline     
n.(笑话、故事等的)结尾警语,点睛之笔
参考例句:
  • Even then,the magical pause can strengthen the punchline.即使这样,有魔力的停顿依然可以增强笑点。
  • A good joke or a mystery novel has along wind up to the final punchline.好的笑话或神秘小说都是一路曲折,直至最后的笑料或真相。
25 briefly 9Styo     
adv.简单地,简短地
参考例句:
  • I want to touch briefly on another aspect of the problem.我想简单地谈一下这个问题的另一方面。
  • He was kidnapped and briefly detained by a terrorist group.他被一个恐怖组织绑架并短暂拘禁。
26 jack 53Hxp     
n.插座,千斤顶,男人;v.抬起,提醒,扛举;n.(Jake)杰克
参考例句:
  • I am looking for the headphone jack.我正在找寻头戴式耳机插孔。
  • He lifted the car with a jack to change the flat tyre.他用千斤顶把车顶起来换下瘪轮胎。
27 illustrates a03402300df9f3e3716d9eb11aae5782     
给…加插图( illustrate的第三人称单数 ); 说明; 表明; (用示例、图画等)说明
参考例句:
  • This historical novel illustrates the breaking up of feudal society in microcosm. 这部历史小说是走向崩溃的封建社会的缩影。
  • Alfred Adler, a famous doctor, had an experience which illustrates this. 阿尔弗莱德 - 阿德勒是一位著名的医生,他有过可以说明这点的经历。 来自中级百科部分
28 tragic inaw2     
adj.悲剧的,悲剧性的,悲惨的
参考例句:
  • The effect of the pollution on the beaches is absolutely tragic.污染海滩后果可悲。
  • Charles was a man doomed to tragic issues.查理是个注定不得善终的人。
29 smear 6EmyX     
v.涂抹;诽谤,玷污;n.污点;诽谤,污蔑
参考例句:
  • He has been spreading false stories in an attempt to smear us.他一直在散布谎言企图诽谤我们。
  • There's a smear on your shirt.你衬衫上有个污点。
30 guts Yraziv     
v.狼吞虎咽,贪婪地吃,飞碟游戏(比赛双方每组5人,相距15码,互相掷接飞碟);毁坏(建筑物等)的内部( gut的第三人称单数 );取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 );内脏;消化道的下段;肠
参考例句:
  • I'll only cook fish if the guts have been removed. 鱼若已收拾干净,我只需烧一下即可。
  • Barbara hasn't got the guts to leave her mother. 巴巴拉没有勇气离开她妈妈。 来自《简明英汉词典》
31 hatchet Dd0zr     
n.短柄小斧;v.扼杀
参考例句:
  • I shall have to take a hatchet to that stump.我得用一把短柄斧来劈这树桩。
  • Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.别用斧头拍打朋友额头上的苍蝇。
32 aisle qxPz3     
n.(教堂、教室、戏院等里的)过道,通道
参考例句:
  • The aisle was crammed with people.过道上挤满了人。
  • The girl ushered me along the aisle to my seat.引座小姐带领我沿着通道到我的座位上去。
33 chasms 59f980d139181b57c2aa4045ac238a6f     
裂缝( chasm的名词复数 ); 裂口; 分歧; 差别
参考例句:
  • She found great chasms in her mathematics and physics. 她觉得她的数学课和物理课的知识还很欠缺。
  • The sectarian chasms remain deep, the wounds of strife raw. 各派别的分歧巨大,旧恨新仇交织。
34 partisan w4ZzY     
adj.党派性的;游击队的;n.游击队员;党徒
参考例句:
  • In their anger they forget all the partisan quarrels.愤怒之中,他们忘掉一切党派之争。
  • The numerous newly created partisan detachments began working slowly towards that region.许多新建的游击队都开始慢慢地向那里移动。
35 rancor hA6zj     
n.深仇,积怨
参考例句:
  • I have no rancor against him.我对他无怨无仇。
  • Their rancor dated from a political dogfight between them.他们的积怨来自于他们之间在政治上的狗咬狗。
36 feuding eafa661dffa44863a7478178ec28b5c1     
vi.长期不和(feud的现在分词形式)
参考例句:
  • Riccardo and Cafiero had been feuding so openly that the whole town knew about it. 里卡多和卡菲埃罗一直公开地闹别扭,全城的人都知道此事。 来自辞典例句
  • The two families have been feuding with each other for many generations. 这两个家族有好多代的世仇了。 来自互联网
37 incentive j4zy9     
n.刺激;动力;鼓励;诱因;动机
参考例句:
  • Money is still a major incentive in most occupations.在许多职业中,钱仍是主要的鼓励因素。
  • He hasn't much incentive to work hard.他没有努力工作的动机。
38 trench VJHzP     
n./v.(挖)沟,(挖)战壕
参考例句:
  • The soldiers recaptured their trench.兵士夺回了战壕。
  • The troops received orders to trench the outpost.部队接到命令在前哨周围筑壕加强防卫。
39 warfare XhVwZ     
n.战争(状态);斗争;冲突
参考例句:
  • He addressed the audience on the subject of atomic warfare.他向听众演讲有关原子战争的问题。
  • Their struggle consists mainly in peasant guerrilla warfare.他们的斗争主要是农民游击战。
40 trenches ed0fcecda36d9eed25f5db569f03502d     
深沟,地沟( trench的名词复数 ); 战壕
参考例句:
  • life in the trenches 第一次世界大战期间的战壕生活
  • The troops stormed the enemy's trenches and fanned out across the fields. 部队猛攻敌人的战壕,并在田野上呈扇形散开。
41 unity 4kQwT     
n.团结,联合,统一;和睦,协调
参考例句:
  • When we speak of unity,we do not mean unprincipled peace.所谓团结,并非一团和气。
  • We must strengthen our unity in the face of powerful enemies.大敌当前,我们必须加强团结。
42 democrats 655beefefdcaf76097d489a3ff245f76     
n.民主主义者,民主人士( democrat的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • The Democrats held a pep rally on Capitol Hill yesterday. 民主党昨天在国会山召开了竞选誓师大会。
  • The democrats organize a filibuster in the senate. 民主党党员组织了阻挠议事。 来自《简明英汉词典》
43 costly 7zXxh     
adj.昂贵的,价值高的,豪华的
参考例句:
  • It must be very costly to keep up a house like this.维修这么一幢房子一定很昂贵。
  • This dictionary is very useful,only it is a bit costly.这本词典很有用,左不过贵了些。
44 intestine rbpzY     
adj.内部的;国内的;n.肠
参考例句:
  • This vitamin is absorbed through the walls of the small intestine.这种维生素通过小肠壁被吸收。
  • The service productivity is the function,including external efficiency,intestine efficiency and capacity efficiency.服务业的生产率是一个包含有外部效率、内部效率和能力效率的函数。
45 vividly tebzrE     
adv.清楚地,鲜明地,生动地
参考例句:
  • The speaker pictured the suffering of the poor vividly.演讲者很生动地描述了穷人的生活。
  • The characters in the book are vividly presented.这本书里的人物写得栩栩如生。
46 infraction gbbz5     
n.违反;违法
参考例句:
  • He was criticized for his infraction of the discipline.他因违反纪律而受到了批评。
  • Parking at the bus stop is illegal,Motorists committing this infraction are heavily fined.在公交站停车是违法的,触犯此条的司机将受重罚。
47 banking aySz20     
n.银行业,银行学,金融业
参考例句:
  • John is launching his son on a career in banking.约翰打算让儿子在银行界谋一个新职位。
  • He possesses an extensive knowledge of banking.他具有广博的银行业务知识。
48 physicist oNqx4     
n.物理学家,研究物理学的人
参考例句:
  • He is a physicist of the first rank.他是一流的物理学家。
  • The successful physicist never puts on airs.这位卓有成就的物理学家从不摆架子。
49 underneath VKRz2     
adj.在...下面,在...底下;adv.在下面
参考例句:
  • Working underneath the car is always a messy job.在汽车底下工作是件脏活。
  • She wore a coat with a dress underneath.她穿着一件大衣,里面套着一条连衣裙。
50 improvisation M4Vyg     
n.即席演奏(或演唱);即兴创作
参考例句:
  • a free-form jazz improvisation 自由创作的爵士乐即兴演出
  • Most of their music was spontaneous improvisation. 他们的大部分音乐作品都是即兴创作的。
51 stony qu1wX     
adj.石头的,多石头的,冷酷的,无情的
参考例句:
  • The ground is too dry and stony.这块地太干,而且布满了石头。
  • He listened to her story with a stony expression.他带着冷漠的表情听她讲经历。
52 brook PSIyg     
n.小河,溪;v.忍受,容让
参考例句:
  • In our room we could hear the murmur of a distant brook.在我们房间能听到远处小溪汩汩的流水声。
  • The brook trickled through the valley.小溪涓涓流过峡谷。
53 apparently tMmyQ     
adv.显然地;表面上,似乎
参考例句:
  • An apparently blind alley leads suddenly into an open space.山穷水尽,豁然开朗。
  • He was apparently much surprised at the news.他对那个消息显然感到十分惊异。
54 improvising 2fbebc2a95625e75b19effa2f436466c     
即兴创作(improvise的现在分词形式)
参考例句:
  • I knew he was improvising, an old habit of his. 我知道他是在即兴发挥,这是他的老习惯。
  • A few lecturers have been improvising to catch up. 部分讲师被临时抽调以救急。
55 wane bpRyR     
n.衰微,亏缺,变弱;v.变小,亏缺,呈下弦
参考例句:
  • The moon is on the wane.月亮渐亏。
  • Her enthusiasm for him was beginning to wane.她对他的热情在开始减退。
56 hormones hormones     
n. 荷尔蒙,激素 名词hormone的复数形式
参考例句:
  • This hormone interacts closely with other hormones in the body. 这种荷尔蒙与体內其他荷尔蒙紧密地相互作用。
  • The adrenals produce a large per cent of a man's sex hormones. 肾上腺分泌人体的大部分性激素。
57 projector 9RCxt     
n.投影机,放映机,幻灯机
参考例句:
  • There is a new projector in my office.我的办公室里有一架新的幻灯机。
  • How long will it take to set up the projector?把这个放映机安放好需要多长时间?
58 subscribe 6Hozu     
vi.(to)订阅,订购;同意;vt.捐助,赞助
参考例句:
  • I heartily subscribe to that sentiment.我十分赞同那个观点。
  • The magazine is trying to get more readers to subscribe.该杂志正大力发展新订户。

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