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美国国家公共电台 NPR 'No One Meant To Be In My Office': A Divorce Lawyer's Tips On Staying Together

时间:2018-04-12 03:28:15

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(单词翻译)

 

LULU GARCIA-NAVARRO, HOST:

And now a word about marriage from who else but a divorce lawyer.

JAMES SEXTON: There are very few behaviors that end so badly so frequently that we would just sign up for with such reckless abandon.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: That's James Sexton, Esq. He spent his career helping1 people out of marriages. And it inspired him to write a how-to book, how to stay together that is. It's called "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late." I asked him, what does a divorce lawyer who's seen the worst kind of behaviors in human relationships know about how to do it right?

SEXTON: You know what? It actually happened very much by accident. You tend to bring your attention always as a divorce lawyer to these crazy stories, these knockdown, drag-out stories of ugly public divorces. And I found myself thinking that, you know, over these years I've seen so much of what people do wrong, that you could probably reverse engineer that into talking about what they might have done differently and could have done right to stay out of the office. And, really, that's how came about.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: OK. But I've got to bring up the nanny...

SEXTON: OK.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: ...Cause, of course, you know, I'm married. I've got a kid. And so you give this advice - you should vow2 never, under any circumstances, to hire an attractive babysitter. It's just going to make everyone sad.

SEXTON: Yes.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: You have a lot of nanny fascination3 stories, as you call them.

SEXTON: I do. You know, and they're not my personal nanny fascination stories.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: (Laughter).

SEXTON: I don't want to give that impression. But yeah. I mean, the nanny thing is a thing. And it's amazing to me because, again, I learn about this sitting at the other end of the desk from people that have gone through it. And I don't - I'm not speculating. I'm doing ethnographic research. You know, I'm like the Margaret Mead4 of divorce here.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: (Laughter).

SEXTON: I'm sitting there with my nose in it. People are cheating with the nanny. People are running off with the nanny. Husbands and wives are running off with the nanny, as I talk about in the book.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: Yeah. You've got a woman ending up with the nanny. That was an amazing story.

SEXTON: And that was only one of several. You know, a lot didn't make the cutting-room floor on this thing.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: Wow.

SEXTON: So there really is a nanny thing. And I explain in the book why I think that is. But I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that the nanny has a life outside of the family.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: And what I try to talk about is how spouses5, how wives in particular could leverage7 that nanny fascination into improving their own daily life and to having time for themselves. When people get divorced, one of the things that happens right away, if they have children, is they have time with their children that's very defined. And they have time without their children that's very defined. And I have to tell you I don't know why divorced people should have all the fun.

SEXTON: I don't know why an intact couple that cares about each other and wants each other to be happy couldn't say to each other, you know what? Wednesday night - it's your night with the kids every week. Or this is my weekend without the kids - and really taking time to yourself to develop who you are. And in the process, it actually makes you more attractive to your spouse6.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: Yeah. I guess it boils down to, don't wait around until you are divorced to get what you want. Reinvent yourself with your partner.

SEXTON: Right. And do it sooner rather than later. Everyone who gets married wants it to last. No one can pretend in this curated world we live in, where everyone puts everything on social media, and it's always the best version of what they're doing. Divorce is refreshing8 in the sense that you can't pretend you meant to be in my office. No one meant to be in my office.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: I'm glad you mentioned social media because Facebook is mentioned in this book. Another reason to hate Facebook.

SEXTON: You know, I feel like I've piled on here because...

GARCIA-NAVARRO: (Laughter).

SEXTON: ...When I wrote the book, you know, all this stuff hadn't broken. And I feel like Mark Zuckerberg is down, and I'm kicking him. So I feel a little guilty.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: Yeah. You wrote this chapter. It's called If You Were Designing An Infidelity-Generating Machine, It Would Be Facebook.

SEXTON: Facebook is amazing. I really owe Mark Zuckerberg a holiday card or something because Facebook invites infidelity. It's a perfect breeding ground. You know, there's all these benign9 reasons you could be looking at Facebook. You know, I'm checking out the restaurant that just opened down the street, or I'm looking at pictures of my sister's kids. But in reality, you can be looking at how your high school girlfriend looks in a bikini on her vacation photos. You know, and by the way, she's only going to post the best possible pictures of her. So with Facebook, we have so much to compete with. Anywhere you are, whatever you're doing, you can be cruising for new romantic connections if you want to.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: So let's get back to the advice part. Other than leaving Facebook, not sleeping with the nanny, what can you do to preserve a union?

SEXTON: I think the core answer isn't that sexy. What it really is is just stay connected to your spouse. Just communicate with your spouse. Remember that you fell in love with a person who had unique traits. And I encourage people to just step back from their marriage, to take a very clear inventory10 of it and to really pay attention.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: Some of these stories are so poignant11. And I remember the one specifically about the woman who realized her marriage was over because, all of a sudden, her husband didn't buy her favorite granola anymore.

SEXTON: Yeah. That story actually still really kind of hits me. We were sitting outside of the courtroom, and we had some time to kill in between sessions. And we were just chatting the way that you sometimes do with your clients when you've gotten to know them really well. And I asked her a question I ask most of my clients at some point, which is, was there a moment, you know, where you knew your marriage was over? And she said to me there was this kind of granola that she liked that was only sold in one particular health food store.

And her husband used to just always notice when she was running low, and he would buy it for her. And it made her feel special. It made her feel like, oh, you know, he notices, and he just wants me to be happy. You know, and those are the things that really show someone that we care about them. And she told me this very painful story about one morning realizing that the granola was empty. So she left it out on the counter and waited for him to do something like buy new granola. He just never did. And she said there was something in her heart in that moment that just went, OK, this is over. He's checked out now.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: I want to ask you this because you end the book with the advice you give to clients when they're sitting in your office for the first time. And so should any of us ever be that unlucky, what is that advice?

SEXTON: You know, I just tell people that they should try to see the best version of themselves in whatever choice they make. It's really hard to stay together. And it's really hard to split up. My advice to everyone is stay out of my office if you can. But if you need to come to my office, I hope I see the most compassionate12, thoughtful version of you. I hope I see a version of you that focuses on your kids and that focuses on ending your relationship with dignity.

GARCIA-NAVARRO: James Sexton - his book is "If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late." Thank you so much.

SEXTON: Thanks so much.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "LOVE AND MARRIAGE")

FRANK SINATRA: (Singing) Love and marriage. Love and marriage.


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点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 helping 2rGzDc     
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的
参考例句:
  • The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
  • By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。
2 vow 0h9wL     
n.誓(言),誓约;v.起誓,立誓
参考例句:
  • My parents are under a vow to go to church every Sunday.我父母许愿,每星期日都去做礼拜。
  • I am under a vow to drink no wine.我已立誓戒酒。
3 fascination FlHxO     
n.令人着迷的事物,魅力,迷恋
参考例句:
  • He had a deep fascination with all forms of transport.他对所有的运输工具都很着迷。
  • His letters have been a source of fascination to a wide audience.广大观众一直迷恋于他的来信。
4 mead BotzAK     
n.蜂蜜酒
参考例句:
  • He gave me a cup of mead.他给我倒了杯蜂蜜酒。
  • He drank some mead at supper.晚饭时他喝了一些蜂蜜酒。
5 spouses 3fbe4097e124d44af1bc18e63e898b65     
n.配偶,夫或妻( spouse的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • Jobs are available for spouses on campus and in the community. 校园里和社区里有配偶可做的工作。 来自辞典例句
  • An astonishing number of spouses-most particularly in the upper-income brackets-have no close notion of their husbands'paychecks. 相当大一部分妇女——特别在高收入阶层——并不很了解他们丈夫的薪金。 来自辞典例句
6 spouse Ah6yK     
n.配偶(指夫或妻)
参考例句:
  • Her spouse will come to see her on Sunday.她的丈夫星期天要来看她。
  • What is the best way to keep your spouse happy in the marriage?在婚姻中保持配偶幸福的最好方法是什么?
7 leverage 03gyC     
n.力量,影响;杠杆作用,杠杆的力量
参考例句:
  • We'll have to use leverage to move this huge rock.我们不得不借助杠杆之力来移动这块巨石。
  • He failed in the project because he could gain no leverage. 因为他没有影响力,他的计划失败了。
8 refreshing HkozPQ     
adj.使精神振作的,使人清爽的,使人喜欢的
参考例句:
  • I find it'so refreshing to work with young people in this department.我发现和这一部门的青年一起工作令人精神振奋。
  • The water was cold and wonderfully refreshing.水很涼,特别解乏提神。
9 benign 2t2zw     
adj.善良的,慈祥的;良性的,无危险的
参考例句:
  • The benign weather brought North America a bumper crop.温和的气候给北美带来大丰收。
  • Martha is a benign old lady.玛莎是个仁慈的老妇人。
10 inventory 04xx7     
n.详细目录,存货清单
参考例句:
  • Some stores inventory their stock once a week.有些商店每周清点存货一次。
  • We will need to call on our supplier to get more inventory.我们必须请供应商送来更多存货。
11 poignant FB1yu     
adj.令人痛苦的,辛酸的,惨痛的
参考例句:
  • His lyrics are as acerbic and poignant as they ever have been.他的歌词一如既往的犀利辛辣。
  • It is especially poignant that he died on the day before his wedding.他在婚礼前一天去世了,这尤其令人悲恸。
12 compassionate PXPyc     
adj.有同情心的,表示同情的
参考例句:
  • She is a compassionate person.她是一个有同情心的人。
  • The compassionate judge gave the young offender a light sentence.慈悲的法官从轻判处了那个年轻罪犯。

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