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美国国家公共电台 NPR You 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Hard?

时间:2018-08-17 03:13:48

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SHANKAR VEDANTAM, HOST:

Hi there. It’s Shankar. We’re working on new stories for the fall, and as we do, we’re continuing our summer series, You 2.0. Our last few episodes have focused on what you can do as an individual, about your job and about the information you receive. This week, we look at what you can do to strengthen your relationships. This episode first aired in February this year, and it’s been one of our most popular shows. I hope you enjoy it.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: This is HIDDEN BRAIN. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

(SOUNDBITE OF PERFORMANCE OF MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH")

VEDANTAM: No matter how many you've been to, it's hard to shake the contagious1 optimism of weddings. Couples vow2 to love one another in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer. Family members dab3 tears from their eyes, agreeing that these two people are meant to be together forever.

But so many marriages become unhappy. Some dissolve. Some end in divorce. And even the successful ones aren't without challenges. No one would deny that long-term relationships are hard. And in fact, there's evidence they're getting harder. Why is that? This week on HIDDEN BRAIN, we'll take a closer look at the history of marriage.

STEPHANIE COONTZ: Most of what we think of as traditional marriage was not traditional at all but a rather recent invention.

VEDANTAM: We'll also explore the radically4 higher expectations we have for marriage today.

ELI FINKEL: Lots of people argue that having these high expectations is problematic and it's harming the institution of marriage. And frankly5, among the people who used to argue that is myself.

VEDANTAM: And we'll discuss ways to improve our love lives sometimes by asking more of our partners and of ourselves, sometimes by asking less.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: To understand marriage today, we thought it best to go back to a time and place when marriage was very different.

COONTZ: Well, I've been studying the history of family life for many, many years, but I specifically got interested in marriage as we got into these debates about what traditional marriage was.

VEDANTAM: That's Stephanie Coontz. She's a professor at The Evergreen7 State College and the author of the book "Marriage, A History." Stephanie says the earliest marriages had nothing to do with the feelings of two people or their attraction to one another. As you probably know, marriage was much more about economics and acquiring powerful in-laws.

COONTZ: Marriage originally arose in more egalitarian band-level societies as a way of sharing resources and establishing peaceful relations with groups that you might otherwise only see occasionally and you might not know if they were going to be friends or enemies. It was a way of circulating obligations and goods. I marry my child off to you, and that means you owe me things, but I also owe you things.

VEDANTAM: Stephanie brought up a famous example from history - the union between Cleopatra of Egypt and Mark Antony of Rome.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra, Siren of the Nile.

VEDANTAM: This is from a 1963 film version.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Richard Burton as Mark Antony, rash, impetuous leader of once-invincible legion, dreaded8 adversary9 on the field of battle.

VEDANTAM: The Hollywood version of this story portrays10 Cleopatra and Antony as being very much in love, but Stephanie paints a slightly different picture.

COONTZ: I think that the theme song for that relationship could have been "What's Love Got To Do With It."

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT")

TINA TURNER: (Singing) What's love got to do, got to do with it?

COONTZ: There may have been passion, but it was more passion for power than sexual, although sexual probably entered into it, too.

VEDANTAM: Cleopatra and Antony's marriage was primarily about strategy.

COONTZ: Rome and Egypt were the two most powerful empires in the world, so getting them - anybody who got them together and got an alliance between them would be unstoppable.

VEDANTAM: The story goes that Cleopatra was married to her brother. And without getting into all the details, let's just say she wasn't too happy with that, so she started an affair with Julius Caesar, the ruler of Rome. Cleopatra became pregnant. When the baby was born, he was named Caesarion. The child gave Cleopatra and Caesar a claim to each other's throne. It was something they both desperately11 wanted - sounds like an episode of "Game Of Thrones," right?

COONTZ: Well, then Caesar died, and Mark Antony came along. And of course the story tells that she seduced12 him. But you know, when you really look at what was happening practically, this was another political alliance.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "CLEOPATRA")

ELIZABETH TAYLOR: (As Cleopatra) First, as did Caesar, you will marry me according to Egyptian ritual.

RICHARD BURTON: (As Mark Antony) That's not a condition. That's a reward.

TAYLOR: (As Cleopatra) You will declare by your authority Caesarion to be king of Egypt, and we will rule together in his name.

COONTZ: Caesarion was too young to rule, and Antony could rule in his place, so it was a great big political alliance just like "Game Of Thrones."

VEDANTAM: This marriage strategy wasn't just for kings and queens. There's a common misconception that people of lower classes in this time married for love - not true, Stephanie says.

COONTZ: You couldn't run a farm with one person. You couldn't run a bakery with one person. So people who were bakers15 married other bakers. If you were a peasant, you wanted somebody who had a good reputation as a hard worker, and that was much more important than this - frivolous16 luxury is the way it was really thought of - as how attracted you were to the person.

VEDANTAM: A different idea started to become more common in the 1700s and 1800s. Jane Austen, the famous novelist, may well have been the trailblazer. For those who don't remember the plot of her book "Pride And Prejudice," Mr. Darcy, who has been promised in marriage to his wealthy cousin, falls instead for Elizabeth Bennet, a woman of modest means, and that throws his aunt into a rage.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE")

JUDI DENCH: (As Lady Catherine) Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter. Now what have you to say?

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: (As Elizabeth Bennet) Only this - if that is the case, you can have no reason to suppose he would make an offer to me.

DENCH: (As Lady Catherine) You selfish girl. This union has been planned since their infancy17. Do you think it can be prevented by a young woman of inferior birth? Heaven and earth, are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted? Now, tell me once and for all, are you engaged to him?

KNIGHTLEY: (As Elizabeth Bennet) I am not.

VEDANTAM: So, Stephanie, talk about this. This is the first glimmers18, if you will, of the idea that in some ways love was coming to conquer marriage.

COONTZ: This clip you used is perfect because it illustrates19 the fact that men found it easier to embrace the love match (laughter) than women did. Men could marry down because they could go out and earn wages. Women had to be very, very cautious. You know, you could say my heart inclines to Harry20, but, you know, I'd better marry who my parents want me to and the person who is most likely to be able to support me. And so there was a long period of time where men actually were more romantic than women in the courtship arena21.

VEDANTAM: By the second half of the 19th century, the Jane Austen model of marriage had taken firm hold in the United States. The idea of marrying for anything other than love came to be seen as old-fashioned. And with the rise of this new idea came another - if marriage was once seen as a partnership22 between people from similar backgrounds and similar social classes, the new model of marriage began to celebrate the coming together of people who were supposedly radically different from one another.

COONTZ: And you got this new theory that love was a union of opposites. Now this idea came that men and women were totally different, and you could only have access to the emotions, resources, abilities of the other by getting married and staying married. You were incomplete without it.

VEDANTAM: In practice, this dovetailed with a changing economic landscape in the country where men increasingly became the breadwinners and women became homemakers.

(SOUNDBITE OF "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER23" THEME)

VEDANTAM: The 1950s sitcom24 "Leave It To Beaver" makes clear there's division between male and female roles.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER")

TONY DOW: (As Wally Cleaver) Whenever we cook inside, Mom always does the cooking. But whenever we cook outside, you always do it. How come?

HUGH BEAUMONT: (As Ward13 Cleaver) Oh, it's sort of traditional, I guess. You know, they say a woman's place is in the home. And I suppose as long as she's in the home, she might as well be in the kitchen.

DOW: (As Wally Cleaver) Oh. Well, that explains about Mom, but how come you always do the outside cooking?

BEAUMONT: (As Ward Cleaver) Well, I'll tell you, Son. Women do all right when they have all the modern conveniences, but us men are better at this rugged25 type of outdoor cooking - sort of a throwback to caveman days.

VEDANTAM: Talk to me about this idea, Stephanie. So clearly, gender26 biases27 played a role in how we came to think about marriage.

COONTZ: Well, absolutely, but what's interesting about this clip is that the concept of the male breadwinner was unknown before the 19th century. Women worked in the home, but so did men. And men didn't go out and bring home the bacon. Women helped raise the pig. Maybe the man butchered it, but the woman often cured the bacon and took the bacon to market. So again, this was part of this new idea of love that I talked about earlier, the idea that men and women were so different that the man had to do all the outside stuff because the woman couldn't do it, and the woman had to do all the inside stuff because the man couldn't do it and wasn't supposed to do it.

VEDANTAM: The idea of the love match may have been controversial at first. But when concerns were raised about how people from different backgrounds would stay together when they didn't have the bond of shared work or the larger framework of a shared community, advocates for love marriage said men and women would stay together because they needed one another to feel psychologically complete. This theory was later appropriated in romantic stories and movies. Think of the saying opposites attract. But as the divorce rate in America surged in the 1970s and '80s, many started to think that what you should look for in a mate was not your opposite but someone who shared your interests and values. It wasn't quite the same as one baker14 looking to marry another baker but more along the lines of people marrying others with similar educational backgrounds and similar cultural and political attitudes.

COONTZ: You know, it's important to understand that love itself, the definition, has changed. It's different today than it was at the beginning of the love match when it was a union of opposites. And today, it's really like a union of people who share so many values. And that's one of the big challenges of love today because we spent a hundred years trying to get people to see difference as erotic and the source of love. And now our big challenge is, how do we make equality erotic?

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: How do you make equality erotic? Where's the sizzle in consensus29 and compromise, in child care pickups and doctor's appointments, in a lifestyle symbolized30 by a Honda Civic31 rather than a flashy Ferrari? When we come back, we'll answer that question.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: We've been talking with historian Stephanie Coontz about how marriage changed from an institution that was primarily about economic partnerships32 and political expedience33 to one based on romantic love. Once this shift took hold in the United States over the course of the 19th century, love marriages became the norm. Soon, everyone wanted to know the secrets of making love last. You've seen those documentaries and news stories about elderly couples who have managed to stay together for most of their lives.

(SOUNDBITE OF MONTAGE)

DUNCAN KENNEDY: The newest members of a very elite34 club, Helen and Maurice Kaye, 101 and 102 years old, celebrating their 80th wedding anniversary.

OPRAH WINFREY: Meet Milt and Leona, sweethearts for life.

LEONA RAMOY: We've married 60 years - 60 beautiful years. When people ask me, how long have you been married? I truthfully say, not long enough.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #2: A heart-warming documentary about the life of a couple that has been together for three quarters of a century - 75 years.

VEDANTAM: There's something that those stories don't tell you. Social psychologist Eli Finkel at Northwestern University has studied the psychological effects of the historical changes that Stephanie has documented. Eli is the author of "The All-Or-Nothing Marriage," and he has a very dramatic term for the challenge that many couples face today. Modern marriage, he says, runs the risk of suffocation36. To understand that term, Eli says you have to look at yet another shift that started in the 1960s and '70s.

FINKEL: We wanted to complement37 our emphasis on love - achieving love through marriage - with a new emphasis on achieving a sense of personal fulfillment in the way of personal growth. So in the terminology39 of psychology40, we wanted to self-actualize through our marriage. We wanted to grow into a more authentic41 version of ourselves.

VEDANTAM: One example of this comes from the best-selling book by Elizabeth Gilbert about walking out on her husband and trying to create a more meaningful life for herself. We're going to play a few clips from the movies as we chat, and this one comes from the movie "Eat Pray Love," featuring Julia Roberts.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "EAT PRAY LOVE")

JULIA ROBERTS: (As Elizabeth Gilbert) We'd only bought this house a year ago. Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively42 participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.

VEDANTAM: It sounds like she was searching for her true self, Eli.

FINKEL: Yeah, that's exactly right. She, in some sense, helps to epitomize both the strengths and the weaknesses of this modern, contemporary approach to marriage, where we're looking to our spouse43, again, not only for love but also this sense of personal growth and fulfillment. And for the first time, you start to see cases where people would say, as I think Liz Gilbert would say, that she was in a loving marriage, and he was a good man and treated her well, but she felt stagnant44, and she really wasn't willing to endure a stagnant life for the next 30 or 40 years. And she walked out.

VEDANTAM: This would have been unthinkable, of course, a hundred years ago, let alone 500 years ago.

FINKEL: Yes. This would have been a very, very bizarre thing to say. And marriage, you know, it wasn't really until the '70s that you started seeing no-fault divorce laws. It used to be that you had to prove some type of serious mistreatment, like abuse or desertion. Yeah, so it's a very modern idea that we are entitled to a sense of real fulfillment and personal growth through the marriage. And if our marriage is falling short, many of us consider it to be a reasonable option to end the marriage for that alone.

VEDANTAM: You've come up with what I think of as a riff on a very famous psychological concept. Many years ago, Abraham Maslow proposed that human beings have a series of different needs that begin with physical security and end with a search for meaning and fulfillment. And you say that a similar hierarchy45 has come to describe how many Americans think about marriage. Tell me about what you call Mount Maslow.

FINKEL: Well, one of the most exciting things that happened to me in the process of writing the book is I learned a lot about the history and the sociology and the economics of marriage, particularly reading people like Stephanie Coontz, because my primary expertise46 is as pretty much a laboratory psychologist. I bring couples into the laboratory, and I videotape them interacting, and I follow them over time. But these other disciplines - scholars in these other disciplines - adopt a different approach.

So I realized that marriage had, in fact, changed radically in terms of the way we expected to fulfill38 our needs - in America, that is. And it used to be that marriage was about basic economic survival. We've seen that from Stephanie Coontz and others. And you can think of that as being at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy toward the physiological47 and safety needs, really survival-based needs. And then as we track marriage and it becomes more about love, now we're more toward the middle of Maslow's hierarchy. And then in the 1960s and then really up until today, we're in this new era where, yes, we're still looking for love, but now we're toward the top of Maslow's hierarchy where he's talking about things like esteem48 and self-actualization. And so our expectations of marriage have basically ascended49 from the bottom to the top of Maslow's hierarchy over the course of American history.

And one of the ideas that emerged as I was writing this book is that we can conceptualize Maslow's hierarchy not just in terms of a triangle but in terms of a mountain, right? And the advantage of thinking of Maslow's hierarchy as a mountain in this way is that it brings to mind a number of metaphors50 related to mountaineering. And one thing that we know when we climb up a big mountain is the views get increasingly gorgeous as you get to the top, but the oxygen gets a little thinner. And so having a successful experience way up there at the top requires that you are able to invest a lot of oxygen - either bring extra oxygen with you on the mountain or invest a lot of time and energy in the marriage to succeed up there.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: So to continue your analogy, if we want to get to the top of Mount Maslow but we have failed to bring our oxygen tanks with us, that's what leads presumably to what you call the suffocation model.

FINKEL: That's right. That's right. That is, it's lovely way up there at the top, and if we're looking to try to achieve not only this sense of love and connection but also this sense of personal growth and authenticity52 through the marriage but we're trying to do it on the cheap - that is, we're trying to do it without investing the time, without investing the psychological energy - then we're left up there at the top of the mountain without the resources that we need in order to succeed. And so that is what gives us this disconnect between where we are on the mountain, the expectations that we're bringing to the marriage and what the marriage is actually able to offer us. And that disconnect is what I'm talking about when I talk about the suffocation of marriage.

VEDANTAM: What I love about that analogy is it makes physical, almost, this psychological process, this effect of our expectations. All of us can imagine what it would be like to suddenly wake up one morning and decide, you know, I'm going to run a marathon or I'm going to climb a mountain - a very tall mountain - without really any preparation. And we would recognize that it's not just difficult to do but potentially foolhardy.

FINKEL: That is exactly right. I think if we think about what we're really asking of our marriages these days in terms of the, you know, ambition of these expectations, then we realize that if we're too tired or lazy to invest in the quality of the relationship, that of course we're not going to be able to make the summit attempt. Of course we're not going to be able to succeed in meeting those expectations toward the very high end of Maslow's hierarchy. And so the book talks a lot about how we can in fact align53 what we're asking of the marriage with what the marriage is realistically able to offer us.

VEDANTAM: So there have been a few people over the years who've tried to explore the same ideas that you have, Eli. Esther Perel of course comes to mind. In her famous TED6 talk, she summarizes some of these challenges. And I want to play you a short clip.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)

ESTHER PEREL: So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging. Give me identity. Give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe54 all in one. Give me comfort. Give me edge. Give me novelty. Give me familiarity. Give me predictability. Give me surprise. And we think it's a given and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.

(LAUGHTER)

VEDANTAM: So I love that passage, Eli, but you talk about the same idea in your book. You give the analogy of a woman who once turned to five different friends for important things she needed. But once she gets married, she turns to her husband for those same five things, and he's not able to provide all of them, and she feels now unfulfilled.

FINKEL: That's right. In the research literature on how we achieve our goals, there's a clunky word called multifinality. And this is the idea that a given means can serve multiple goals. So for example, when I walk to work, that might simultaneously55 meet my need to get to work but also my needs to get some fresh air and get some exercise. And so this one activity can serve all sorts of functions.

What's interesting is that's really what we've done to marriage - right? - is that marriage for a long time served a set and relatively56 limited array of different functions for us. And over time, we've piled more and more of these emotional and psychological functions. So instead of turning to our close friends and other relatives for nights out on the town, for deep intimate disclosure, to a larger and larger extent, our spouse has replaced a lot of what we used to look to our broader social network to help us do.

VEDANTAM: You know, as I read your book, Eli, I realized that it's not just what we expect from our partners that's changing. We also now expect that we can unlock special things in our partners. And this is also reflected in the movies. The 1997 movie "As Good As It Gets" has a scene where a woman who is fed up with, you know, putdowns by her - by the man who's trying to woo her demands that he give her a compliment.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "AS GOOD AS IT GETS")

JACK57 NICHOLSON: (As Melvin Udall) OK, here I go - clearly a mistake. I've got this - what? - ailment58. My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time - he says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I hate pills. My complement is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never - all right, well, you were there. You know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.

HELEN HUNT: (As Carol Connelly) I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.

NICHOLSON: (As Melvin Udall) You make me want to be a better man.

HUNT: (As Carol Connelly) That's maybe the best compliment of my life.

VEDANTAM: I found this so revealing in the context of your book, Eli. Helen Hunt's character is telling Jack Nicholson's character that the thing that makes her feel really good is not what he does for her but what she can do to unlock something special in him.

VEDANTAM: Yeah. He is smitten59 with her, and his desire for her, his being impressed with her and the desire to make her like him more, actually makes him want to grow into a better person. And in some sense, that's the absolute archetype of what we see in contemporary marriage. Today, we're looking for a spouse to bring out the ideal version of us, the latent version that's inside of us that we can hopefully grow into with enough time and effort.

VEDANTAM: You have a wonderful term in your book. You call this the Michelangelo effect.

FINKEL: Yeah. This is a term I actually got from my doctoral adviser60, Caryl Rusbult. Many of your listeners will know that Michelangelo, when he talked about the sculpting61 process, talked not in terms of revealing a sculpture but in terms of unleashing62 it from the rock in which it's been slumbering63. So the sculptor64's job is not to create something new, but merely to refine and buff and polish and maybe scrape away the rough edges of what was already nesting within the rock. That's a really good metaphor51 for how partners today try to relate to each other. That is, all of us have an actual self - the person that we currently are - but we also have an ideal self, a version of ourselves that's aspirational65. Like, what could I maybe become if I could be the best version of myself? And we look to our partners to be our sculptors66, to help us until we actually grow toward the best, ideal version of ourselves.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: So Eli, do we actually have this power - this power to play sculptor and bring out the best in someone else?

FINKEL: The answer is, yes, we do have this power, but it's not easy to do, and not everybody is compatible. And sometimes the version of you that you want to grow into isn't the version of you that I want you to grow into. And this is a very delicate dance that we play. And, you know, the best relationships today - the sorts of relationships that I call the all relationships in the idea of the all-or-nothing marriage - they're well-aligned in this sense. They're able to bring out the best in each other and connect in a way that facilitates each other's personal growth and, therefore, helps to produce a really profound amount of emotional connection and psychological fulfillment.

VEDANTAM: You know, many marriage experts say that high expectations are the enemy of happiness in marriage. You come to a slightly different conclusion. You say that it's true that, on average, many marriages might be unhappier today than they were half a century ago, but that isn't true of all marriages. Who are the exceptions?

FINKEL: The exceptions are people who bring those expectations and are able to meet them. And this is, I think, the crux67 of the entire issue. Lots of people argue that having these high expectations is problematic, and it's harming the institution of marriage. And frankly, among the people who used to argue that is myself.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

FINKEL: I, when I set out to write this book, thought I was writing a book about the decline over time in marriage and how we're throwing more and more expectations on this one institution and this one relationship, but we're not investing enough time, and therefore, we've really created a seriously problematic approach to marriage. And it wasn't until I reviewed these other scientific literatures and learned more about how things have changed that I realized that's really half the story.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

FINKEL: It is true that we are asking a lot more, especially when it comes to these more psychological and love-based needs, than we did in the past. But some marriages are able to meet those needs. And so what does it mean if you have a marriage that you're looking for to meet these very highest-level needs - say, for example, in Maslow's hierarchy - and the marriage succeeds in doing so? You're able to achieve a level of fulfillment in the marriage that would have been out of reach in an era where we really weren't even trying to meet those types of needs. So at the same time that these high expectations are weighting us down and making it more difficult to achieve a healthy marriage, at the same time that a marriage that would have been acceptable to us in 1950 is a disappointment to us today because of these high expectations, those same expectations have placed within reach a level of marital68 fulfillment that was out of reach until pretty recently.

VEDANTAM: So this idea that some people invest heavily in their marriages at the expense of careers and friends, maybe even, you know, their children's activities, you say this is perfectly69 captured in a scene from another movie. In "Sideways," Paul Giamatti's wine connoisseur70 character explains to his love interest the difference between a pinot and a cabernet.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "SIDEWAYS")

VIRGINIA MADSEN: (As Maya) Why are you so into pinot?

PAUL GIAMATTI: (As Miles, laughter).

MADSEN: (As Maya) I mean, it's, like, a thing with you.

GIAMATTI: (As Miles) I don't know. I don't know. It's a hard grape to grow, as you know, right? It's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens71 early. It's - you know, it's not a survivor72 like cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and thrive even when it's neglected. No. Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know, and in fact, it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked-away corners of the world. And only the most patient and nurturing73 of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand pinot's potential can then coax74 it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh, its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and ancient on the planet.

VEDANTAM: So of course, Eli, when we hear this and we're thinking about this in the context of marriage, why wouldn't we all want to grow pinot?

FINKEL: Well, I think a lot of us should be pretty careful about pinot. I mean, I think that clip does an absolutely masterful job of providing an analogy to how marriage has changed in America in the last, say, 50 years or more. It's changed from an institution approximating cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and thrive even when it's neglected, to a much more delicate, fragile institution that requires a lot of tending and maintenance. So you asked me, who would ever want anything other than pinot noir, at least according to how Miles thinks about those grapes? And I would say a whole lot of people might not want to deal with something that fragile and delicate.

But like he says, those of us who get it right, that is - well, and he's talking about the grapes. When there's the right grower and the right context, the flavors are just haunting and brilliant and subtle and ancient. And what I think he's saying is this is a high-maintenance grape. It takes a lot of work. And if you aren't careful and attentive75, you're going to be disappointed in it. It's going to fail you. But if you work hard enough, you can have something truly exquisite76. And that is where we are today with the all-or-nothing marriage.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: One of the conclusions of your book is that we have in some ways two major alternatives when it comes to dealing77 with this challenge that many of us want to be at the top of Mount Maslow, but are not investing the time and effort or the patience to actually get there. In your own marriage, you describe a trip to Seattle, where in your own analogy you found yourself starved of oxygen.

FINKEL: That's right. We went through a hard time. I in particular went through a hard time with the adjustment to parenthood. And I - frankly, I think that the reason I had a hard time is the sort of stuff that I'm talking about in the book. I hadn't sufficiently78 calibrated79 or recalibrated my expectations to what life would be like with a newborn. And the research on this is, in fact, tricky80. Obviously, having a - you know, a bundle of joy is a wonderful thing. You love the new baby like crazy. And kissing that little fuzzy head is one of the most satisfying things we ever get to do in our lives.

But the reality is recent estimates suggest that it's about 33 1/2 additional hours a week of extra time, like, of care that goes into that. And I would ask the couples out there listening who don't have a kid, where would those 33.5 hours a week come from? And then you're complementing81 that with some sleep deprivation82 and, frankly, much less time for emotional connection or sexual connection with your spouse. And is it any surprise that the research evidence shows that the arrival of the first baby tends to be pretty hard on the quality of the relationship - on the marital satisfaction, for example?

And it was during that period where we took a trip to Seattle to see my closest and longest-term friend, one of these life experiences that has always been a source of bliss83 and joy for me throughout the, you know, 30-some-odd years of my life at the time. And I was miserable84. It turns out that traveling across the country with an 8-month-old is not anything like traveling across the country without an 8-month-old.

VEDANTAM: (Laughter).

FINKEL: And then you're together with your best friend and there's all the stuff that you used to do, but now there's an 8-month-old there and you're not doing any of those things. And I really had a hard time. I mean, I can't really exaggerate this. I really struggled emotionally with the adjustment. And I said to my wife - and I regret saying this; it's hard for me to say out loud right now - you know, I can endure this; like, I can get past this, and I certainly love my daughter, but I need to stop trying to have fun because if I'm trying to enjoy my life and I'm trying to enjoy you, I keep - end up disappointed.

And she was very upset about that. And, you know, I made her cry. I'm not proud of this at all. But she cried and thought - what? - is this the end of us trying to live a good life together? Are we just going to hunker down and be unhappy together?

But the truth is this ended up being the lowest point, but also the starting of where I started to recover a little bit. It took that moment before I started to get serious about making life better again. And one of the major ways I did it was by recalibrating my expectations, yes, but also reinvesting in a way that made sure that I was more connected to my wife than we had been. And it took some work, and it did require that we lower expectations in some ways and then try to meet those lowered expectations. And we were, in fact, able to do it, but it certainly wasn't easy.

VEDANTAM: Eli and other researchers have found that it's not especially easy to fulfill a partner's emotional and psychological needs when you're struggling to pay the bills or working three jobs. This might be one reason that the institution of marriage appears to be especially fragile among low-income couples.

When we come back, we're going to look at tangible85 solutions. If you can't afford to take your partner on that romantic trip to Paris, but you still want to get to the top of Mount Maslow, I'm going to ask Eli for simple hacks86 to get you there.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: This is HIDDEN BRAIN. I'm Shankar Vedantam, on today's show...

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "THE PRINCESS BRIDE")

PETER COOK: (As The Impressive Clergyman) Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today.

VEDANTAM: That's right - marriage.

(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "THE PRINCESS BRIDE")

COOK: (As The Impressive Clergyman) Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream.

VEDANTAM: The priest from that iconic scene in "The Princess Bride" describes it best. Or does he? We're taking a look at how marriage has evolved over time from a partnership of necessity, to a union of two very different people who need one another's love to be complete, to the all-or-nothing relationships identified by psychologist Eli Finkel. Eli argues that our expectations for marriage, both gay and straight, among rich and poor, have dramatically increased. Couples who are able to meet these higher expectations are happier than couples have ever been, but couples who fall short are unhappier than their counterparts a century ago. Eli says there are things we can do - what he calls love hacks - to reorient how we think about marriage and make ourselves more fulfilled in long-term relationships.

FINKEL: Some of your listeners might be fans of Marcel Proust, who argues that mystery is not about traveling to new places but about looking with new eyes. And the love hacks are exactly that. They're ways that we can try to experience the same relationship but view it in a different way and therefore be a little bit happier in the relationship itself.

VEDANTAM: So psychologists have long talked about something called the fundamental attribution error, which is sometimes when we see someone behave in a way that we don't like, there's two ways to interpret it. You can either say this person's behaving badly because they're a bad person, or you can say this person's behaving badly because there's something in the context, there's something happening around him or her that's causing him or her to behave this way. And one of the hacks that you suggest is to reinterpret negative behavior from your partner in a way that's more sympathetic rather than critical.

FINKEL: Right. And I'm not saying its magic. I'm not saying it's the easiest thing to do. But I'm saying that with some effort, we can get a little better at this. So your spouse is late. Your spouse is disrespectful. I mean, ideally, not in a huge way, but your spouse does something inconsiderate. You have a lot of control over how that behavior affects you. And in particular, you have control over whether you want to explain that behavior in terms of something about your spouse that's maybe stable and a characterological assessment87, like my spouse is always such a jerk. You can try instead to say, look; my spouse was a jerk just now, but he's a lot - under a lot of stress at work. Or you can think, look; he probably tried the best he could. You know, there was probably some traffic or some crisis at work. I'm just going to let it ride.

Now, I'm not saying these are easy things to do because we do have a default to explain other people's behaviors as elements of their character. But the fact is - and we should be better at understanding this - there are all sorts of things that contribute to why somebody engaged in one behavior over another behavior, and we have some control over the extent to which we interpret our partner's inconsiderate or rude behavior in a way that's more generous and kind. And the kinder approach will make us happier in the relationship, and our partner will probably be happier, too.

VEDANTAM: You also think that having what you call a growth mindset is a useful thing. What do you mean by that?

FINKEL: So the psychologist Carol Dweck at Stanford, she's developed this idea that people differ in terms of how they think about various attributes. So she studies intelligence, for example, and people differ in the extent to which they think intelligence is something that's fixed88 and stable and you have it or you don't versus89 it's malleable90 and it's something that you can develop over time. Well, it turns out there's a lot of good research now on the extent to which people feel like compatibility in a relationship is something that is fixed. You know, you could call this a destiny mindset. People who think, look, partners are either compatible or they're not, and that's the end of the story versus more of a growth-oriented mindset who think, look, there's a lot of room where you can develop compatibility, and, in fact, going through difficulties in a relationship isn't a signal that, oh, my goodness, we're incompatible91 people.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

FINKEL: It's an opportunity to learn to understand each other better and strengthen the relationship through the resolution of the conflict. And here, again, it's not like we have complete control over the thoughts that we have about these things. But we can try to make ourselves adopt a more constructive92, growth-oriented approach to thinking about conflict in the relationship rather than a more destiny-oriented approach that can often view conflict as a deep sign of incompatibility93, and that's pretty destructive for the relationship.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: You also talk about more serious alternatives. So if people find over time that they are just incompatible with one another and yet they have these high expectations of different things they want from their life, you suggest that one of the alternatives might be to develop systems where people are actually getting different things from different people.

FINKEL: That's right. It's the same logic28 again, right? So we have this all-or-nothing approach. We expect these high-level things, and many of our marriages are, in fact, falling short of that. So one possibility is that we try to invest more in the relationship, and the second possibility, which we've called love hacks, is how to be more efficient. But the third possibility - and I actually think we should be pretty serious about this; there's nothing shameful94 about making these sorts of sacrifices - we should ask less. In what ways can we, in our own marriage, look to the relationship and see, man, like, I have been looking to fulfill this sort of need in the relationship for a long time, and I'm chronically95 a little disappointed about how we do as a couple in helping96 to fulfill the sort of need. Is there some other way that I might be able to meet this need I have, either through some other friends or even on my own? And there's some research by the psychologist Elaine Cheung at Northwestern University that looks at what she calls social diversification97. Like, can you diversify98 your social portfolio99, if you will? And she looks at the people we turn to when we're feeling emotions that can help us regulate those emotions. So to whom do you turn when you're feeling sad? To whom do you turn when you want to celebrate your happiness?

And she assesses how much people look to a relatively small number of people to do all of those things versus a larger number of people. And she finds, across a range of studies now, that people who've diversified100 their social portfolio - that is, turned to different sorts of people for different sorts of emotional experiences - tend to be a little bit happier. And so, with regard to marriage in particular, we've really lumped a lot of our emotional fulfillment on this one relationship. And for many of us, we would benefit, and our marriage would actually benefit, if we asked a little bit less in some respects.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: I love the idea of diversification and the analogy with financial diversification. I mean, so the idea, of course, is that you might have, you know, bonds in your portfolio, and they don't do very well and they don't grow a lot, but they're very stable. And then you might have some stocks in your portfolio that, you know, are high growth, but they also have the potential for losing a lot. And what you're suggesting is that by having different things accomplish different parts of what you need, on the whole - your portfolio as a whole ends up being more stable than if you put all your eggs in one basket.

FINKEL: You know, that's right, and that's a neat way of thinking about it that I hadn't fully35 processed previously101. In some sense, what we're doing with marriage these days is we've got a heavily stock-loaded portfolio. And that means that when the market is up, we make huge gains. But that's a lot of eggs to put in that one basket, and when the market goes down, we're going to get hit pretty hard. And to some degree, that's also a reasonable metaphor for the self-expressive marriage, where we look to one person to fulfill so many of our emotional and our psychological needs. The payoff can be huge, but there's a lot of risk.

VEDANTAM: Now, for people to actually consider diversifying102 their portfolio romantically and emotionally, presumably, this also creates stresses on what we think of as marriage. So if people are looking outside the marriage for emotional support or other needs, some people are going to say, well, are you really married anymore?

FINKEL: I think this is a valid103 question, and this is a complexity104 that comes up when you think about how an institution like marriage changes over time. I suspect that if somebody transported from 1750 to today, they might look around and say, whoa, that doesn't look like marriage. I don't even really get what you guys are doing. Or, better yet, if we transported back to 1750 and looked at what people were expecting and how little they were looking for personal fulfillment from the marriage, we would be bewildered.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

FINKEL: So one of the more controversial ideas that I play with in the book is when I'm talking about ways that we can ask less of the marriage. By the way, when I am doing that, I'm talking about how can we strengthen the marriage by asking less of it? One of the places that I consider is in the romantic or sexual domain105. So is it reasonable for some people to consider some type of consensual nonmonogamy? Now, this is not cheating. That's the whole idea of consensual nonmonogamy. This is an understanding that we don't need to have complete monogamy all the time, and you can negotiate an alternative. In fact, among millennials, this is becoming an increasingly common way of thinking about the ideal relationship.

So this is an ideal option, especially for people who generally are connecting pretty well and they love each other and they're good co-CEOs of the household together, but they're really struggling to sustain a mutually satisfying sex life together. Those are particularly good opportunities to consider, could we reduce some of the disappointment and pressure by opening up the relationship in some ways that we can both agree to? It's certainly a high-risk option, but it's an option that probably will benefit some relationships.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: You say that you and Alison have developed a shorthand of sorts for the times that you want to communicate affection but are starved of time. And it has to do with this song.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HER MAJESTY'S A PRETTY NICE GIRL")

BEATLES: (Singing) Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she doesn't have a lot to say. Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she changes from day to day. I want to tell her that I love her a lot, but I got to get a belly106 full of wine. Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl. Someday I'm going to make her mine.

FINKEL: That's Paul McCartney at the end of the "Abbey Road" medley107. It's, like, a little 23-second bonus track. And it's interesting - I haven't heard it in a while, and even as I listen to it as you just played it, I sort of teared up a little bit because it's been a very significant song for my wife and me and our marriage. When we were first dating, you know, people are falling in love and they often say I love you or whatever, but I was very partial to this idea of belly full of wine, right? I want to tell her that I love her a lot, but I've got to get a belly full of wine. And, eventually, saying belly full of wine was our little replacement108 for I love you. And what was neat about the way we used the phrase belly full of wine is it was able to contain, like, a whole terabyte of information about love and respect and affection in this, like, one-second phrase. We could turn to each other and just say belly full of wine and just really communicate so much information in that very little - just those few words.

And this is an example of a broader idea that we don't appreciate enough, which is that every marriage has its own culture, that has its own language and its own expectations, and we can leverage109 the features of how culture works to benefit the marriage with a sort of emotional shorthand that can help express affection. And it can be especially crucial if you're going through a difficult time and maybe things are getting a little hot and maybe you're on the verge110 of a fight and you can say, hey, baby, belly full of wine. And you might be able to diffuse111 some of what could have been a pretty problematic episode.

VEDANTAM: Eli Finkel is a social psychologist at Northwestern University. He's the author of "The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How The Best Marriages Work." Eli, thanks for joining me today on HIDDEN BRAIN.

FINKEL: Thank you so much for having me.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: This week's show was produced by Gabriela Saldivia and Parth Shah and edited by Tara Boyle. Our team includes Jennifer Schmidt, Rhaina Cohen, Thomas Lu, Laura Kwerel and Adhiti Bandlamudi. Our unsung hero this week is Rebecca Sheir. If you have a child, you may know her as the host of the storytelling podcast Circle Round. Rebecca helped us find the actors to perform scenes for one of our episodes, "Why Now?" If you haven't heard that show, please go back and take a listen to it. We're really proud of it.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

VEDANTAM: You can find HIDDEN BRAIN on Facebook and Twitter. If you’ve used any of the strategies we’ve discussed in our You 2.0 series, please share it with us on social media. We’d love to hear your story. Next week, we’ll continue the series with a look at what’s so distinctive112 about the most creative people who work around us.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)

ADAM GRANT: The greatest originals are the people who failed the most because they’re the ones who tried the most.

VEDANTAM: I'm Shankar Vedantam, and this is NPR.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)


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点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 contagious TZ0yl     
adj.传染性的,有感染力的
参考例句:
  • It's a highly contagious infection.这种病极易传染。
  • He's got a contagious laugh.他的笑富有感染力。
2 vow 0h9wL     
n.誓(言),誓约;v.起誓,立誓
参考例句:
  • My parents are under a vow to go to church every Sunday.我父母许愿,每星期日都去做礼拜。
  • I am under a vow to drink no wine.我已立誓戒酒。
3 dab jvHzPy     
v.轻触,轻拍,轻涂;n.(颜料等的)轻涂
参考例句:
  • She returned wearing a dab of rouge on each cheekbone.她回来时,两边面颊上涂有一点淡淡的胭脂。
  • She gave me a dab of potatoes with my supper.她给我晚饭时,还给了一点土豆。
4 radically ITQxu     
ad.根本地,本质地
参考例句:
  • I think we may have to rethink our policies fairly radically. 我认为我们可能要对我们的政策进行根本的反思。
  • The health service must be radically reformed. 公共医疗卫生服务必须进行彻底改革。
5 frankly fsXzcf     
adv.坦白地,直率地;坦率地说
参考例句:
  • To speak frankly, I don't like the idea at all.老实说,我一点也不赞成这个主意。
  • Frankly speaking, I'm not opposed to reform.坦率地说,我不反对改革。
6 ted 9gazhs     
vt.翻晒,撒,撒开
参考例句:
  • The invaders gut ted the village.侵略者把村中财物洗劫一空。
  • She often teds the corn when it's sunny.天好的时候她就翻晒玉米。
7 evergreen mtFz78     
n.常青树;adj.四季常青的
参考例句:
  • Some trees are evergreen;they are called evergreen.有的树是常青的,被叫做常青树。
  • There is a small evergreen shrub on the hillside.山腰上有一小块常绿灌木丛。
8 dreaded XuNzI3     
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)
参考例句:
  • The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
  • He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》
9 adversary mxrzt     
adj.敌手,对手
参考例句:
  • He saw her as his main adversary within the company.他将她视为公司中主要的对手。
  • They will do anything to undermine their adversary's reputation.他们会不择手段地去损害对手的名誉。
10 portrays e91d23abfcd9e0ee71757456ac840010     
v.画像( portray的第三人称单数 );描述;描绘;描画
参考例句:
  • The museum collection vividly portrays the heritage of 200 years of canals. 博物馆的藏品让运河200 年的历史再现眼前。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • The film portrays Gandhi as a kind of superman. 这部电影把甘地描绘成一个超人。 来自《简明英汉词典》
11 desperately cu7znp     
adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地
参考例句:
  • He was desperately seeking a way to see her again.他正拼命想办法再见她一面。
  • He longed desperately to be back at home.他非常渴望回家。
12 seduced 559ac8e161447c7597bf961e7b14c15f     
诱奸( seduce的过去式和过去分词 ); 勾引; 诱使堕落; 使入迷
参考例句:
  • The promise of huge profits seduced him into parting with his money. 高额利润的许诺诱使他把钱出了手。
  • His doctrines have seduced many into error. 他的学说把许多人诱入歧途。
13 ward LhbwY     
n.守卫,监护,病房,行政区,由监护人或法院保护的人(尤指儿童);vt.守护,躲开
参考例句:
  • The hospital has a medical ward and a surgical ward.这家医院有内科病房和外科病房。
  • During the evening picnic,I'll carry a torch to ward off the bugs.傍晚野餐时,我要点根火把,抵挡蚊虫。
14 baker wyTz62     
n.面包师
参考例句:
  • The baker bakes his bread in the bakery.面包师在面包房内烤面包。
  • The baker frosted the cake with a mixture of sugar and whites of eggs.面包师在蛋糕上撒了一层白糖和蛋清的混合料。
15 bakers 1c4217f2cc6c8afa6532f13475e17ed2     
n.面包师( baker的名词复数 );面包店;面包店店主;十三
参考例句:
  • The Bakers have invited us out for a meal tonight. 贝克一家今晚请我们到外面去吃饭。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • The bakers specialize in catering for large parties. 那些面包师专门负责为大型宴会提供食品。 来自《简明英汉词典》
16 frivolous YfWzi     
adj.轻薄的;轻率的
参考例句:
  • This is a frivolous way of attacking the problem.这是一种轻率敷衍的处理问题的方式。
  • He spent a lot of his money on frivolous things.他在一些无聊的事上花了好多钱。
17 infancy F4Ey0     
n.婴儿期;幼年期;初期
参考例句:
  • He came to England in his infancy.他幼年时期来到英国。
  • Their research is only in its infancy.他们的研究处于初级阶段。
18 glimmers 31ee558956f925b5af287eeee5a2a321     
n.微光,闪光( glimmer的名词复数 )v.发闪光,发微光( glimmer的第三人称单数 )
参考例句:
  • A faint lamp glimmers at the end of the passage. 一盏昏暗的灯在走廊尽头发出微弱的光线。 来自互联网
  • The first glimmers of an export-led revival are apparent. 拉动出库复苏的第一缕曙光正出现。 来自互联网
19 illustrates a03402300df9f3e3716d9eb11aae5782     
给…加插图( illustrate的第三人称单数 ); 说明; 表明; (用示例、图画等)说明
参考例句:
  • This historical novel illustrates the breaking up of feudal society in microcosm. 这部历史小说是走向崩溃的封建社会的缩影。
  • Alfred Adler, a famous doctor, had an experience which illustrates this. 阿尔弗莱德 - 阿德勒是一位著名的医生,他有过可以说明这点的经历。 来自中级百科部分
20 harry heBxS     
vt.掠夺,蹂躏,使苦恼
参考例句:
  • Today,people feel more hurried and harried.今天,人们感到更加忙碌和苦恼。
  • Obama harried business by Healthcare Reform plan.奥巴马用医改掠夺了商界。
21 arena Yv4zd     
n.竞技场,运动场所;竞争场所,舞台
参考例句:
  • She entered the political arena at the age of 25. 她25岁进入政界。
  • He had not an adequate arena for the exercise of his talents.他没有充分发挥其才能的场所。
22 partnership NmfzPy     
n.合作关系,伙伴关系
参考例句:
  • The company has gone into partnership with Swiss Bank Corporation.这家公司已经和瑞士银行公司建立合作关系。
  • Martin has taken him into general partnership in his company.马丁已让他成为公司的普通合伙人。
23 beaver uuZzU     
n.海狸,河狸
参考例句:
  • The hat is made of beaver.这顶帽子是海狸毛皮制的。
  • A beaver is an animals with big front teeth.海狸是一种长着大门牙的动物。
24 sitcom 9iMzBQ     
n.情景喜剧,(广播、电视的)系列幽默剧
参考例句:
  • This sitcom is produced in cooperation with Hong Kong TV.这部连续剧是同香港电视台联合制作的。
  • I heard that a new sitcom is coming out next season.我听说下一季会推出一个新的情境喜剧。
25 rugged yXVxX     
adj.高低不平的,粗糙的,粗壮的,强健的
参考例句:
  • Football players must be rugged.足球运动员必须健壮。
  • The Rocky Mountains have rugged mountains and roads.落基山脉有崇山峻岭和崎岖不平的道路。
26 gender slSyD     
n.(生理上的)性,(名词、代词等的)性
参考例句:
  • French differs from English in having gender for all nouns.法语不同于英语,所有的名词都有性。
  • Women are sometimes denied opportunities solely because of their gender.妇女有时仅仅因为性别而无法获得种种机会。
27 biases a1eb9034f18cae637caab5279cc70546     
偏见( bias的名词复数 ); 偏爱; 特殊能力; 斜纹
参考例句:
  • Stereotypes represent designer or researcher biases and assumptions, rather than factual data. 它代表设计师或者研究者的偏见和假设,而不是实际的数据。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓
  • The net effect of biases on international comparisons is easily summarized. 偏差对国际比较的基本影响容易概括。
28 logic j0HxI     
n.逻辑(学);逻辑性
参考例句:
  • What sort of logic is that?这是什么逻辑?
  • I don't follow the logic of your argument.我不明白你的论点逻辑性何在。
29 consensus epMzA     
n.(意见等的)一致,一致同意,共识
参考例句:
  • Can we reach a consensus on this issue?我们能在这个问题上取得一致意见吗?
  • What is the consensus of opinion at the afternoon meeting?下午会议上一致的意见是什么?
30 symbolized 789161b92774c43aefa7cbb79126c6c6     
v.象征,作为…的象征( symbolize的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • For Tigress, Joy symbolized the best a woman could expect from life. 在她看,小福子就足代表女人所应有的享受。 来自汉英文学 - 骆驼祥子
  • A car symbolized distinction and achievement, and he was proud. 汽车象征着荣誉和成功,所以他很自豪。 来自辞典例句
31 civic Fqczn     
adj.城市的,都市的,市民的,公民的
参考例句:
  • I feel it is my civic duty to vote.我认为投票选举是我作为公民的义务。
  • The civic leaders helped to forward the project.市政府领导者协助促进工程的进展。
32 partnerships ce2e6aff420d72bbf56e8077be344bc9     
n.伙伴关系( partnership的名词复数 );合伙人身份;合作关系
参考例句:
  • Partnerships suffer another major disadvantage: decision-making is shared. 合伙企业的另一主要缺点是决定要由大家来作。 来自英汉非文学 - 政府文件
  • It involved selling off limited partnerships. 它涉及到售出有限的合伙权。 来自辞典例句
33 expedience dh1zi     
n.方便,私利,权宜
参考例句:
  • This system has universality, expedience to use, and expansibility in practice. 该系统在使用中具有广泛性、高效性、使用方便性和可扩展性。 来自互联网
  • Moral convictions must out-weigh expedience and buck passing. 道德的信念必须重于权宜之计和逃避责任。 来自互联网
34 elite CqzxN     
n.精英阶层;实力集团;adj.杰出的,卓越的
参考例句:
  • The power elite inside the government is controlling foreign policy.政府内部的一群握有实权的精英控制着对外政策。
  • We have a political elite in this country.我们国家有一群政治精英。
35 fully Gfuzd     
adv.完全地,全部地,彻底地;充分地
参考例句:
  • The doctor asked me to breathe in,then to breathe out fully.医生让我先吸气,然后全部呼出。
  • They soon became fully integrated into the local community.他们很快就完全融入了当地人的圈子。
36 suffocation b834eadeaf680f6ffcb13068245a1fed     
n.窒息
参考例句:
  • The greatest dangers of pyroclastic avalanches are probably heat and suffocation. 火成碎屑崩落的最大危害可能是炽热和窒息作用。 来自辞典例句
  • The room was hot to suffocation. 房间热得闷人。 来自辞典例句
37 complement ZbTyZ     
n.补足物,船上的定员;补语;vt.补充,补足
参考例句:
  • The two suggestions complement each other.这两条建议相互补充。
  • They oppose each other also complement each other.它们相辅相成。
38 fulfill Qhbxg     
vt.履行,实现,完成;满足,使满意
参考例句:
  • If you make a promise you should fulfill it.如果你许诺了,你就要履行你的诺言。
  • This company should be able to fulfill our requirements.这家公司应该能够满足我们的要求。
39 terminology spmwD     
n.术语;专有名词
参考例句:
  • He particularly criticized the terminology in the document.他特别批评了文件中使用的术语。
  • The article uses rather specialized musical terminology.这篇文章用了相当专业的音乐术语。
40 psychology U0Wze     
n.心理,心理学,心理状态
参考例句:
  • She has a background in child psychology.她受过儿童心理学的教育。
  • He studied philosophy and psychology at Cambridge.他在剑桥大学学习哲学和心理学。
41 authentic ZuZzs     
a.真的,真正的;可靠的,可信的,有根据的
参考例句:
  • This is an authentic news report. We can depend on it. 这是篇可靠的新闻报道, 我们相信它。
  • Autumn is also the authentic season of renewal. 秋天才是真正的除旧布新的季节。
42 actively lzezni     
adv.积极地,勤奋地
参考例句:
  • During this period all the students were actively participating.在这节课中所有的学生都积极参加。
  • We are actively intervening to settle a quarrel.我们正在积极调解争执。
43 spouse Ah6yK     
n.配偶(指夫或妻)
参考例句:
  • Her spouse will come to see her on Sunday.她的丈夫星期天要来看她。
  • What is the best way to keep your spouse happy in the marriage?在婚姻中保持配偶幸福的最好方法是什么?
44 stagnant iGgzj     
adj.不流动的,停滞的,不景气的
参考例句:
  • Due to low investment,industrial output has remained stagnant.由于投资少,工业生产一直停滞不前。
  • Their national economy is stagnant.他们的国家经济停滞不前。
45 hierarchy 7d7xN     
n.等级制度;统治集团,领导层
参考例句:
  • There is a rigid hierarchy of power in that country.那个国家有一套严密的权力等级制度。
  • She's high up in the management hierarchy.她在管理阶层中地位很高。
46 expertise fmTx0     
n.专门知识(或技能等),专长
参考例句:
  • We were amazed at his expertise on the ski slopes.他斜坡滑雪的技能使我们赞叹不已。
  • You really have the technical expertise in a new breakthrough.让你真正在专业技术上有一个全新的突破。
47 physiological aAvyK     
adj.生理学的,生理学上的
参考例句:
  • He bought a physiological book.他买了一本生理学方面的书。
  • Every individual has a physiological requirement for each nutrient.每个人对每种营养成分都有一种生理上的需要。
48 esteem imhyZ     
n.尊敬,尊重;vt.尊重,敬重;把…看作
参考例句:
  • I did not esteem him to be worthy of trust.我认为他不值得信赖。
  • The veteran worker ranks high in public love and esteem.那位老工人深受大伙的爱戴。
49 ascended ea3eb8c332a31fe6393293199b82c425     
v.上升,攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • He has ascended into heaven. 他已经升入了天堂。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • The climbers slowly ascended the mountain. 爬山运动员慢慢地登上了这座山。 来自《简明英汉词典》
50 metaphors 83e73a88f6ce7dc55e75641ff9fe3c41     
隐喻( metaphor的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • I can only represent it to you by metaphors. 我只能用隐喻来向你描述它。
  • Thus, She's an angel and He's a lion in battle are metaphors. 因此她是天使,他是雄狮都是比喻说法。
51 metaphor o78zD     
n.隐喻,暗喻
参考例句:
  • Using metaphor,we say that computers have senses and a memory.打个比方,我们可以说计算机有感觉和记忆力。
  • In poetry the rose is often a metaphor for love.玫瑰在诗中通常作为爱的象征。
52 authenticity quyzq     
n.真实性
参考例句:
  • There has been some debate over the authenticity of his will. 对于他的遗嘱的真实性一直有争论。
  • The museum is seeking an expert opinion on the authenticity of the painting. 博物馆在请专家鉴定那幅画的真伪。
53 align fKeyZ     
vt.使成一线,结盟,调节;vi.成一线,结盟
参考例句:
  • Align the ruler and the middle of the paper.使尺子与纸张的中部成一条直线。
  • There are signs that the prime minister is aligning himself with the liberals.有迹象表明首相正在与自由党人结盟。
54 awe WNqzC     
n.敬畏,惊惧;vt.使敬畏,使惊惧
参考例句:
  • The sight filled us with awe.这景色使我们大为惊叹。
  • The approaching tornado struck awe in our hearts.正在逼近的龙卷风使我们惊恐万分。
55 simultaneously 4iBz1o     
adv.同时发生地,同时进行地
参考例句:
  • The radar beam can track a number of targets almost simultaneously.雷达波几乎可以同时追着多个目标。
  • The Windows allow a computer user to execute multiple programs simultaneously.Windows允许计算机用户同时运行多个程序。
56 relatively bkqzS3     
adv.比较...地,相对地
参考例句:
  • The rabbit is a relatively recent introduction in Australia.兔子是相对较新引入澳大利亚的物种。
  • The operation was relatively painless.手术相对来说不痛。
57 jack 53Hxp     
n.插座,千斤顶,男人;v.抬起,提醒,扛举;n.(Jake)杰克
参考例句:
  • I am looking for the headphone jack.我正在找寻头戴式耳机插孔。
  • He lifted the car with a jack to change the flat tyre.他用千斤顶把车顶起来换下瘪轮胎。
58 ailment IV8zf     
n.疾病,小病
参考例句:
  • I don't have even the slightest ailment.我什么毛病也没有。
  • He got timely treatment for his ailment.他的病得到了及时治疗。
59 smitten smitten     
猛打,重击,打击( smite的过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • From the moment they met, he was completely smitten by her. 从一见面的那一刻起,他就完全被她迷住了。
  • It was easy to see why she was smitten with him. 她很容易看出为何她为他倾倒。
60 adviser HznziU     
n.劝告者,顾问
参考例句:
  • They employed me as an adviser.他们聘请我当顾问。
  • Our department has engaged a foreign teacher as phonetic adviser.我们系已经聘请了一位外籍老师作为语音顾问。
61 sculpting ee5e10e771d16bc954f52b0aee7a1793     
雕刻( sculpt的现在分词 ); 雕塑; 做(头发); 梳(发式)
参考例句:
  • The quality of the result is determined by a Craft( sculpting) check. 由手艺(刻)定决定结果质量如何。
  • Another difficulty in the process of ice sculpting is time control. 冰雕过程中的另一项困难是时间的掌控。
62 unleashing 8742c1b567c83ec8d9e14c8aeacbc729     
v.把(感情、力量等)释放出来,发泄( unleash的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • Company logos: making people's life better by unleashing Cummins power. 公司理念:以康明斯动力建设更美好的生活! 来自互联网
  • Sooner or later the dam will burst, unleashing catastrophic destruction. 否则堤坝将崩溃,酿成灾难。 来自互联网
63 slumbering 26398db8eca7bdd3e6b23ff7480b634e     
微睡,睡眠(slumber的现在分词形式)
参考例句:
  • It was quiet. All the other inhabitants of the slums were slumbering. 贫民窟里的人已经睡眠静了。
  • Then soft music filled the air and soothed the slumbering heroes. 接着,空中响起了柔和的乐声,抚慰着安睡的英雄。
64 sculptor 8Dyz4     
n.雕刻家,雕刻家
参考例句:
  • A sculptor forms her material.雕塑家把材料塑造成雕塑品。
  • The sculptor rounded the clay into a sphere.那位雕塑家把黏土做成了一个球状。
65 aspirational 886aa00f4b7fc5187145f28ed9448c76     
志同的,有抱负的
参考例句:
  • Most of the images that bombard us all are aspirational. 轰击的图像,我们都期望最大。
  • Analysts said self-help and aspirational reading could explain India's high figures. 分析师们指出,自助读书、热爱读书是印度人均读书时间超过别的国家的主要原因。
66 sculptors 55fe6a2a17f97fa90175d8545e7fd3e2     
雕刻家,雕塑家( sculptor的名词复数 ); [天]玉夫座
参考例句:
  • He is one of Britain's best-known sculptors. 他是英国最有名的雕塑家之一。
  • Painters and sculptors are indexed separately. 画家和雕刻家被分开,分别做了索引。
67 crux 8ydxw     
adj.十字形;难事,关键,最重要点
参考例句:
  • The crux of the matter is how to comprehensively treat this trend.问题的关键是如何全面地看待这种趋势。
  • The crux of the matter is that attitudes have changed.问题的要害是人们的态度转变了。
68 marital SBixg     
adj.婚姻的,夫妻的
参考例句:
  • Her son had no marital problems.她的儿子没有婚姻问题。
  • I regret getting involved with my daughter's marital problems;all its done is to bring trouble about my ears.我后悔干涉我女儿的婚姻问题, 现在我所做的一切将给我带来无穷的烦恼。
69 perfectly 8Mzxb     
adv.完美地,无可非议地,彻底地
参考例句:
  • The witnesses were each perfectly certain of what they said.证人们个个对自己所说的话十分肯定。
  • Everything that we're doing is all perfectly above board.我们做的每件事情都是光明正大的。
70 connoisseur spEz3     
n.鉴赏家,行家,内行
参考例句:
  • Only the real connoisseur could tell the difference between these two wines.只有真正的内行才能指出这两种酒的区别。
  • We are looking for a connoisseur of French champagne.我们想找一位法国香槟酒品酒专家。
71 ripens 51963c68379ce47fb3f18e4b6ed340d0     
v.成熟,使熟( ripen的第三人称单数 )
参考例句:
  • The sun ripens the crops. 太阳使庄稼成熟。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Then their seed ripens, and soon they turn brown and shrivel up. 随后,它们的种子熟了,不久就变枯萎。 来自辞典例句
72 survivor hrIw8     
n.生存者,残存者,幸存者
参考例句:
  • The sole survivor of the crash was an infant.这次撞车的惟一幸存者是一个婴儿。
  • There was only one survivor of the plane crash.这次飞机失事中只有一名幸存者。
73 nurturing d35e8f9c6b6b0f1c54ced7de730a6241     
养育( nurture的现在分词 ); 培育; 滋长; 助长
参考例句:
  • These delicate plants need careful nurturing. 这些幼嫩的植物需要精心培育。
  • The modern conservatory is not an environment for nurturing plants. 这个现代化温室的环境不适合培育植物。
74 coax Fqmz5     
v.哄诱,劝诱,用诱哄得到,诱取
参考例句:
  • I had to coax the information out of him.我得用好话套出他掌握的情况。
  • He tried to coax the secret from me.他试图哄骗我说出秘方。
75 attentive pOKyB     
adj.注意的,专心的;关心(别人)的,殷勤的
参考例句:
  • She was very attentive to her guests.她对客人招待得十分周到。
  • The speaker likes to have an attentive audience.演讲者喜欢注意力集中的听众。
76 exquisite zhez1     
adj.精美的;敏锐的;剧烈的,感觉强烈的
参考例句:
  • I was admiring the exquisite workmanship in the mosaic.我当时正在欣赏镶嵌画的精致做工。
  • I still remember the exquisite pleasure I experienced in Bali.我依然记得在巴厘岛所经历的那种剧烈的快感。
77 dealing NvjzWP     
n.经商方法,待人态度
参考例句:
  • This store has an excellent reputation for fair dealing.该商店因买卖公道而享有极高的声誉。
  • His fair dealing earned our confidence.他的诚实的行为获得我们的信任。
78 sufficiently 0htzMB     
adv.足够地,充分地
参考例句:
  • It turned out he had not insured the house sufficiently.原来他没有给房屋投足保险。
  • The new policy was sufficiently elastic to accommodate both views.新政策充分灵活地适用两种观点。
79 calibrated 6ac8922cd7bfd487c7dd1bd65d0f6191     
v.校准( calibrate的过去式和过去分词 );使标准化;使合标准;测量(枪的)口径
参考例句:
  • Power pesticide dusters can be calibrated and used to apply pertilizer. 动力杀虫剂可以调整用来施肥。 来自辞典例句
  • The flexible diaphragm is connected to a plat cantilever-calibrated spring. 柔韧的膜片一扁平的悬臂校正弹簧相连。 来自辞典例句
80 tricky 9fCzyd     
adj.狡猾的,奸诈的;(工作等)棘手的,微妙的
参考例句:
  • I'm in a rather tricky position.Can you help me out?我的处境很棘手,你能帮我吗?
  • He avoided this tricky question and talked in generalities.他回避了这个非常微妙的问题,只做了个笼统的表述。
81 complementing fe2da3ba35c87761139744afaf175986     
补足,补充( complement的现在分词 ); 求反
参考例句:
  • Maligrant segregants may, therefore, arise when complementing chromosomes are lost. 因此当互补染色体丢失时,就会产生恶性分离子。
  • A complementing circuIt'selects either the subtracter output or the output of the complementing circuit. 取补线路可任意选通减法器的输出或补取线路的输出。
82 deprivation e9Uy7     
n.匮乏;丧失;夺去,贫困
参考例句:
  • Many studies make it clear that sleep deprivation is dangerous.多实验都证实了睡眠被剥夺是危险的。
  • Missing the holiday was a great deprivation.错过假日是极大的损失。
83 bliss JtXz4     
n.狂喜,福佑,天赐的福
参考例句:
  • It's sheer bliss to be able to spend the day in bed.整天都可以躺在床上真是幸福。
  • He's in bliss that he's won the Nobel Prize.他非常高兴,因为获得了诺贝尔奖金。
84 miserable g18yk     
adj.悲惨的,痛苦的;可怜的,糟糕的
参考例句:
  • It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他,这是可耻的。
  • Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。
85 tangible 4IHzo     
adj.有形的,可触摸的,确凿的,实际的
参考例句:
  • The policy has not yet brought any tangible benefits.这项政策还没有带来任何实质性的好处。
  • There is no tangible proof.没有确凿的证据。
86 hacks 7524d17c38ed0b02a3dc699263d3ce94     
黑客
参考例句:
  • But there are hacks who take advantage of people like Teddy. 但有些无赖会占类似泰迪的人的便宜。 来自电影对白
  • I want those two hacks back here, right now. 我要那两个雇工回到这儿,现在就回。 来自互联网
87 assessment vO7yu     
n.评价;评估;对财产的估价,被估定的金额
参考例句:
  • This is a very perceptive assessment of the situation.这是一个对该情况的极富洞察力的评价。
  • What is your assessment of the situation?你对时局的看法如何?
88 fixed JsKzzj     
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的
参考例句:
  • Have you two fixed on a date for the wedding yet?你们俩选定婚期了吗?
  • Once the aim is fixed,we should not change it arbitrarily.目标一旦确定,我们就不应该随意改变。
89 versus wi7wU     
prep.以…为对手,对;与…相比之下
参考例句:
  • The big match tonight is England versus Spain.今晚的大赛是英格兰对西班牙。
  • The most exciting game was Harvard versus Yale.最富紧张刺激的球赛是哈佛队对耶鲁队。
90 malleable Qwdyo     
adj.(金属)可锻的;有延展性的;(性格)可训练的
参考例句:
  • Silver is the most malleable of all metals.银是延展性最好的金属。
  • Scientists are finding that the adult human brain is far more malleable than they once thought.科学家发现成人大脑的可塑性远超过他们之前认识到的。
91 incompatible y8oxu     
adj.不相容的,不协调的,不相配的
参考例句:
  • His plan is incompatible with my intent.他的计划与我的意图不相符。
  • Speed and safety are not necessarily incompatible.速度和安全未必不相容。
92 constructive AZDyr     
adj.建设的,建设性的
参考例句:
  • We welcome constructive criticism.我们乐意接受有建设性的批评。
  • He is beginning to deal with his anger in a constructive way.他开始用建设性的方法处理自己的怒气。
93 incompatibility f8Vxv     
n.不兼容
参考例句:
  • One cause may be an Rh incompatibility causing kernicterus in the newborn. 一个原因可能是Rh因子不相配引起新生儿的脑核性黄疸。
  • Sexual incompatibility is wide-spread in the apple. 性的不亲合性在苹果中很普遍。
94 shameful DzzwR     
adj.可耻的,不道德的
参考例句:
  • It is very shameful of him to show off.他向人炫耀自己,真不害臊。
  • We must expose this shameful activity to the newspapers.我们一定要向报社揭露这一无耻行径。
95 chronically yVsyi     
ad.长期地
参考例句:
  • Similarly, any pigment nevus that is chronically irritated should be excised. 同样,凡是经常受慢性刺激的各种色素痣切勿予以切除。
  • People chronically exposed to chlorine develop some degree of tolerance. 人长期接触氯气可以产生某种程度的耐受性。
96 helping 2rGzDc     
n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的,辅助的
参考例句:
  • The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
  • By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。
97 diversification 8scxf     
n.变化,多样化;多种经营
参考例句:
  • The seminar was to discuss diversification of agriculture. 该研讨会讨论的是农业多种经营。 来自辞典例句
  • Firm diversification is increasingly achieved by the means of takeover and merger. 通过接管和兼并,厂商经营范围日益多样化。 来自辞典例句
98 diversify m8gyt     
v.(使)不同,(使)变得多样化
参考例句:
  • Our company is trying to diversify.我们公司正力图往多样化方面发展。
  • Hills and woods diversify the landscape.山陵和树木点缀景色。
99 portfolio 9OzxZ     
n.公事包;文件夹;大臣及部长职位
参考例句:
  • He remembered her because she was carrying a large portfolio.他因为她带着一个大公文包而记住了她。
  • He resigned his portfolio.他辞去了大臣职务。
100 diversified eumz2W     
adj.多样化的,多种经营的v.使多样化,多样化( diversify的过去式和过去分词 );进入新的商业领域
参考例句:
  • The college biology department has diversified by adding new courses in biotechnology. 该学院生物系通过增加生物技术方面的新课程而变得多样化。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • Take grain as the key link, develop a diversified economy and ensure an all-round development. 以粮为纲,多种经营,全面发展。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
101 previously bkzzzC     
adv.以前,先前(地)
参考例句:
  • The bicycle tyre blew out at a previously damaged point.自行车胎在以前损坏过的地方又爆开了。
  • Let me digress for a moment and explain what had happened previously.让我岔开一会儿,解释原先发生了什么。
102 diversifying a1f291117de06530378940b8720bea5e     
v.使多样化,多样化( diversify的现在分词 );进入新的商业领域
参考例句:
  • Some publishers are now diversifying into software. 有些出版社目前正兼营软件。 来自辞典例句
  • Silverlit is diversifying into new markets, such as Russia and Eastern Europe. Silverlit正在使他们的市场变得多样化,开发新的市场如俄罗斯和东欧国家。 来自互联网
103 valid eiCwm     
adj.有确实根据的;有效的;正当的,合法的
参考例句:
  • His claim to own the house is valid.他主张对此屋的所有权有效。
  • Do you have valid reasons for your absence?你的缺席有正当理由吗?
104 complexity KO9z3     
n.复杂(性),复杂的事物
参考例句:
  • Only now did he understand the full complexity of the problem.直到现在他才明白这一问题的全部复杂性。
  • The complexity of the road map puzzled me.错综复杂的公路图把我搞糊涂了。
105 domain ys8xC     
n.(活动等)领域,范围;领地,势力范围
参考例句:
  • This information should be in the public domain.这一消息应该为公众所知。
  • This question comes into the domain of philosophy.这一问题属于哲学范畴。
106 belly QyKzLi     
n.肚子,腹部;(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分,膛
参考例句:
  • The boss has a large belly.老板大腹便便。
  • His eyes are bigger than his belly.他眼馋肚饱。
107 medley vCfxg     
n.混合
参考例句:
  • Today's sports meeting doesn't seem to include medley relay swimming.现在的运动会好象还没有混合接力泳这个比赛项目。
  • China won the Men's 200 metres Individual Medley.中国赢得了男子200米个人混合泳比赛。
108 replacement UVxxM     
n.取代,替换,交换;替代品,代用品
参考例句:
  • We are hard put to find a replacement for our assistant.我们很难找到一个人来代替我们的助手。
  • They put all the students through the replacement examination.他们让所有的学生参加分班考试。
109 leverage 03gyC     
n.力量,影响;杠杆作用,杠杆的力量
参考例句:
  • We'll have to use leverage to move this huge rock.我们不得不借助杠杆之力来移动这块巨石。
  • He failed in the project because he could gain no leverage. 因为他没有影响力,他的计划失败了。
110 verge gUtzQ     
n.边,边缘;v.接近,濒临
参考例句:
  • The country's economy is on the verge of collapse.国家的经济已到了崩溃的边缘。
  • She was on the verge of bursting into tears.她快要哭出来了。
111 diffuse Al0zo     
v.扩散;传播;adj.冗长的;四散的,弥漫的
参考例句:
  • Direct light is better for reading than diffuse light.直射光比漫射光更有利于阅读。
  • His talk was so diffuse that I missed his point.他的谈话漫无边际,我抓不住他的要点。
112 distinctive Es5xr     
adj.特别的,有特色的,与众不同的
参考例句:
  • She has a very distinctive way of walking.她走路的样子与别人很不相同。
  • This bird has several distinctive features.这个鸟具有几种突出的特征。

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