TED演讲:内心的喧哗(2)

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　　subsequently interpreting everything I said through a lens of latent insanity². 所以接着我所说的一切都被当作精神异常的可能征兆

　　For example, I was part of a student TV station that broadcast news bulletins around the campus, 比方说，我们学校有新闻电视台，而我是成员之一

　　and during an appointment which was running very late,  有一次会面的时间太久

　　I said, "I'm sorry, doctor, I've got to go. I'm reading the news at six." 我说:"医生，抱歉我得走了!我还要回去报6点的新闻"

　　Now it's down on my medical records that Eleanor has delusions³ that she's a television news broadcaster. 结果诊断书上说我幻想自已是电视新闻主播

　　It was at this point that events began to rapidly overtake me. 从此事情发展迅速超出我所能掌控

　　A hospital admission followed, the first of many, a diagnosis⁴ of schizophrenia came next, 就在我住院后,精神分裂的诊断也一一确定了

　　and then, worst of all, a toxic⁵, tormenting⁶ sense of hopelessness, humiliation⁷ and despair about myself and my prospects⁸. 最糟的是，那种不抱希望、屈辱，还有对自己和前途绝望的折磨令人痛苦不堪

　　But having been encouraged to see the voice not as an experience but as a symptom,  因为一直被灌输这个观念，听到怪声音不是一种经验，是有病

　　my fear and resistance towards it intensified⁹.  我对此的恐惧和抗拒也与日俱增

　　Now essentially¹⁰, this represented taking an aggressive stance towards my own mind, 本质上，这等于要我与自己的思想为敌

　　a kind of psychic¹¹ civil war,  就像是心灵内战

　　and in turn this caused the number of voices to increase and grow progressively hostile and menacing. 结果我听到的怪声音反而变多了且逐渐衍生出敌意

　　Helplessly and hopelessly, I began to retreat into this nightmarish inner world 感到绝望又无助的我便自我封闭于噩梦般的内心世界

　　in which the voices were destined¹² to become both my persecutors and my only perceived companions. 而那些声音便成了其中我唯一的伙伴及加害者

　　They told me, for example, that if I proved myself worthy¹³ of their help, 那些声音告诉我，如果我能证明

　　then they could change my life back to how it had been,  自己值得他们帮助，那么他们可让我的人生回到原来的样子

　　and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set, a kind of labor¹⁴ of Hercules. 而一连串怪异的任务于焉展开，都不是容易应付的那种

　　It started off quite small, for example, pull out three strands¹⁵ of hair,  刚开始还只是小意思，像是拔下3搓头发

　　but gradually it grew more extreme, culminating in commands to harm myself, 但逐渐变本加厉，最后要我做一些伤害自己的事

　　and a particularly dramatic instruction:  还有一些蛮夸张的指示

　　"You see that tutor over there? You see that glass of water? " "看见那助教没?有一杯水对吧?"

　　Well, you have to go over and pour it over him in front of the other students."  "我要妳过去在其他学生面前，把水倒在他头上"

　　Which I actually did, and which needless to say did not endear me to the faculty¹⁶. 我真的照做了! 当然不用说，我也成为教职员眼中的头痛人物

　　In effect, a vicious cycle of fear, avoidance, mistrust and misunderstanding had been established, 事实上，恐惧、回避、猜忌和误解的恶性循环已经形成

　　and this was a battle in which I felt powerless and incapable¹⁷ of establishing any kind of peace or reconciliation¹⁸. 但我无力抗拒，也无法妥协或平静下来

　　Two years later, and the deterioration¹⁹ was dramatic.  2年后，情况急遽转坏

　　By now, I had the whole frenzied²⁰ repertoire:  这期间我经历过各种怪事

　　terrifying voices, grotesque²¹ visions, bizarre, intractable delusions. 令人害怕的声音，丑陋的影像，莫名的怪异幻象

　　My mental health status had been a catalyst²² for discrimination, verbal abuse, 而我的心理状态让我饱受歧视与言词羞辱

　　and physical and sexual assault,  甚至被攻击和性侵

　　and I'd been told by my psychiatrist, "Eleanor, you'd be better off with cancer, 我的心理医生还曾告诉我："Eleanor, 妳若是得癌症还比较好"

　　because cancer is easier to cure than schizophrenia."  精神分裂还比较难治!"

　　I'd been diagnosed, drugged and discarded,  经过诊断、用药，然后被遗弃

　　and was by now so tormented²³ by the voices that I attempted to drill a hole in my head in order to get them out. 深受那些声音所苦，让我一度想在头上开个洞，好把那些声音赶出去

　　Now looking back on the wreckage²⁴ and despair of those years,  回首这些年的千疮百孔

　　it seems to me now as if someone died in that place, and yet, someone else was saved. 看来就像有人陨殁，但另一个人却获救

　　A broken and haunted person began that journey,  起初那个伤痕累累又不安的人

　　but the person who emerged was a survivor²⁵ and would ultimately grow into the person I was destined to be. 已褪变为一个救星，最后变成命中注定的样子

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