The Key to surviving anything

　　The global financial melt-down is creating hardship for many people. Maybe you too have some fears about how your life and that of your loved ones is going to be in the future? And it’s not only financial problems that we can suffer from. Health problems, or we can lose a loved one. Or we can suddenly be faced with unemployment.

　　I myself lost a lot of money when a rogue⁴ builder decamped to a South Sea Island with the money that I had paid him to build a new house. In the end the half-built structure had to be sold at a great loss. This experience made me think about how we can overcome difficulties. What I learned was that my life started getting back on track the moment I started accepting that my life had changed for ever.

　　I learned that there are ways of responding to life that make it easier to regain⁵ control and find ongoing⁶ happiness. One of the ways that we can do that is to become more accepting and thus more resilient.

　　Resilience helps us to overcome anything

　　Resilience and acceptance are closely linked. It’s when we face our difficulties square on that we tap deep into resilience.

　　The ?rst response to disaster is usually denial - which is the opposite of acceptance. It took a long time for Linda D. to emerge from denial. She came to see me soon after she was released from hospital. Linda, a young mother, was in her mid-thirties and looked ?t and beautiful. Glossy⁷ chestnut⁸ curls framed her face. But I noticed that her smile was strained as she told her story. Some months ago, she said, she had felt a persistent⁹ ache in her belly¹⁰ but had put it down to indigestion. A while later she went to the doctor. He ordered a scan, then exploratory surgery.

　　“Imagine my shock, “she said, “when I woke after the operation and the surgeon told me that they had sewed me up again because there was nothing, absolutely nothing they could do for me. They found cancer all over my liver. My ?rst thought was: ‘No! Ben’s only four. I can’t leave him on his own. I just can’t be dying!’”

　　It took Linda some months to accept that she was going to die. In that time of denial, her emotions were in turmoil¹¹.

　　It was late spring when Linda came to see me one last time. She was frail¹² and her skin was like

　　parchment. I settled her into a chair on the veranda¹³. The wisteria blooms were a sea of purple. We were silent for a while. She told me that she was dying.

　　“How do you feel about dying?” I asked

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　　“I feel at peace now,” she said. Then she raised her face to the sun and shut her eyes. “Everything is so precious. Now I know how precious each moment is!”

　　She died some weeks later. Because she was ready, she was able to let go of life gracefully¹⁴. Her healing journey had led her from denial, rage and dread¹⁵ to a place of acceptance and peace.

　　The path to acceptance

　　A new beginning can only happen when the old form disintegrates¹⁶. Look at what happens when a caterpillar¹⁷ becomes a butter?y: When the time for transformation¹⁸ has come, a larva wraps itself in a cocoon¹⁹ and becomes a chrysalis. Just imagine how that might feel! Suddenly the larva is constricted²⁰, can’t move anymore and darkness closes in. Then disintegration²¹ begins. Some cells die, others revert²² to an undi?erentiated state, some cluster together as discs that carry a genetic²³ blueprint²⁴ for new structures. If you compare a caterpillar to a butter?y, they seem worlds apart and yet one transforms into the other. In some sense, you could say that the caterpillar dies. From this death, a new, beautiful form arises.

　　Before something radically²⁵ new can appear, the old form has to die.

　　Acceptance is the ?rst step of healing. It grows slowly over time. There are some simple exercises that help the process of acceptance. One of the most powerful techniques is Expressive²⁶ Writing therapy as the story of

　　Marion P. shows.

　　Marian’s husband died suddenly of a heart attack in the ?rst year of their marriage. It happened just weeks before she gave birth to her son, Josh. Years later, she said:

　　“I just couldn’t accept that I was now a widow with a baby. I so wanted to be part of a little family! I spent four years railing against my fate. Then I realised that I had to look to the future. After a while, I began to realise that Josh and I were now the ‘little family’. Acceptance marked the beginning of my healing process.”

　　This is like the bamboo shoots righting themselves after the storm has passed.

　　How can we practice acceptance and build resilience?

　　I think the most important thing is to be honest with ourselves. Sometimes it takes courage to look reality in the eye. But when we do, we can learn to overcome anything.

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