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(单词翻译)
I have vague memories of the next day: the after effects of drinking, a certain hollowness that I tried to stifle1.
因为喝了酒,我对第二天的记忆很模糊,我试图扼制住一种空虚感。
Nothing more. But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
没有更多。但是,我并没有出现在Thordis的家门口。
It is important to now state that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
现在,需要重点说明的是,当时我并未认识到我行为的实质。
The word "rape2" didn't echo around my mind as it should've,
“强奸”这两个字,并未如其应当的那样,在我脑海中不断浮现,
and I wasn't crucifying myself with memories of the night before.
我也并未因为昨晚发生的事情折磨自己。
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal, it was more like any acknowledgment of reality was forbidden.
那不太像是,一种有意识的拒绝,更像是对现实的认知,遇到了阻碍。
My definition of my actions completely refuted any recognition of the immense trauma3 I caused Thordis.
我对自身行为的定义,完全击败了我对给Thordis造成巨大伤害的认知。
To be honest, I repudiated4 the entire act in the days afterwards and when I was committing it.
诚实地说,无论是在事情发生后的那些天,还是当时,我否认自己的整个行为。
I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape.
我说服自己,那是一场性爱而非强奸,并以此否认事实。
And this is a lie I've felt spine-bending guilt5 for.
这个谎言,让我承受了巨大的罪恶感。
I broke up with Thordis a couple of days later,
不久之后,我和Thordis分了手,
and then saw her a number of times during the remainder of my year in Iceland,
那年,在冰岛剩下的时间里,我时常见到她,
feeling a sharp stab of heavyheartedness each time.
每次我都感到异常沉重。
Deep down, I knew I'd done something immeasurably wrong.
内心深处,我知道我已经犯了无法估量的错误。
But without planning it, I sunk the memories deep, and then I tied a rock to them.
但是,我并未因此而做些什么,而是把记忆深深掩埋。
1 stifle | |
vt.使窒息;闷死;扼杀;抑止,阻止 | |
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2 rape | |
n.抢夺,掠夺,强奸;vt.掠夺,抢夺,强奸 | |
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3 trauma | |
n.外伤,精神创伤 | |
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4 repudiated | |
v.(正式地)否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 );拒绝接受;拒绝与…往来;拒不履行(法律义务) | |
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5 guilt | |
n.犯罪;内疚;过失,罪责 | |
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